Brave Face

Putting on a brave face is something of a speciality of mine. I suppose I began wearing it as a child because I wanted to be like my friends, the ones who were loved by their parents and living relatively carefree life's. I continued to wear it into my teens, when at school or at work, I would present myself as happy and content and no one would have dreamt that I went home at the end of the day to be greeted by a very angry unhappy woman who had found herself a single parent (at a time when these were a rarity) and living on the poverty line. I wore a brave face for most of the abusive relationship I had with my husband and the only person who knew I was wearing a mask was my sister. Friends, family, work mates, neighbours all remained unaware that my real face was one of despair. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer I wore my brave face and never shed a single tear, not one. Even now my brave face is the one everyone sees, no matter how unhappy or hurt I am. This is a good thing isn't it? Or is wearing this mask doing untold damage to my physical and spiritual health.

I saw someone having their aura cleansed last week and wondered just how dirty mine was and if the 'therapist' would need an industrial clearer t
o sort my aura out? We had wandered into an 'event' in a local hall. Cupcakes, designer lampshades (which were bog standard lampshades with fake flowers and disheveled barbie dolls stuck to them) and hand made cards. You know the sort of thing. Over in a corner was a woman wearing a white coat (al la dental nurse) and she was cleansing some other woman's aura. In public. I don't know about you but if you where having your aura cleansed wouldn't you rather it was done in private? Or at least behind a screen? The therapist was grabbing invisible muck out of the invisible aura and tossing it in the air. Where I imagine it floated into someone else's aura. I took a step or two back as the last thing I need is someone else's aura muck attaching itself to my aura muck and dirtying my aura even more, or worse, merging with my aura muck and mutating into a supermuck that is harder to remove and cements my brave face in place permanently.

So I thought I would check out the possibly of aura contamination and it is, apparently a very real risk!http://www.psychic-junkie.com/aura-cleansing.html.
When I demonstrated it to a friend she said she felt a 'pull'. Yuk.
Putting on a brave face is so much more that arranging your facial features to hide whatever turmoil you feel inside. It is about making sure that all the stuff that leaks into your aura doesn't contaminate anyone elses. Possible side effects? The inability to cry and being dead inside. But at least no one will know how you really feel.

despairing words -

Listen -

"If I Had..."


Life.. by Marshall Mathers


What is life?


Life is like a big obstacle


put in front of your optical to slow you down


And everytime you think you gotten past it


it's gonna come back around and tackle you to the damn ground


What are friends?


Friends are people that you think are your friends


But they really your enemies, with secret indentities


and disguises, to hide they true colors


So just when you think you close enough to be brothers


they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin


What is money?


Money is what makes a man act funny


Money is the root of all evil


Money'll make them same friends come back around


swearing that they was always down


What is life?


I'm tired of life


I'm tired of backstabbing ass snakes with friendly grins


I'm tired of committing so many sins


Tired of always giving in when this bottle of Henny wins


Tired of never having any ends


Tired of having skinny friends hooked on crack and mini-thins


I'm tired of this DJ playing YOUR shit when he spins


Tired of not having a deal


Tired of having to deal with the bullshit without grabbing the steel


Tired of drowning in my sorrow


Tired of having to borrow a dollar for gas to start my Monte Carlo


I'm tired of motherfuckers spraying shit and dartin off


I'm tired of jobs startin off at five fifty an hour


then this boss wanders why I'm smartin off


I'm tired of being fired everytime I fart and cough


Tired of having to work as a gas station clerk


for this jerk breathing down my neck driving me bezerk


I'm tired of using plastic silverware


Tired of working in Building Square


Tired of not being a millionaire


But if I had a million dollars


I'd buy a damn brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics


If I had a magic wand, I'd make the world suck my dick


without a condom on, while I'm on the john


If I had a million bucks


it wouldn't be enough, because I'd still be out


robbing armored trucks


If I had one wish


I would ask for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss

I'm tired of being white trash, broke and always poor


Tired of taking pop bottles back to the party store


I'm tired of not having a phone


Tired of not having a home to have one in if I did have it on


Tired of not driving a BM


Tired of not working at GM, tired of wanting to be him


Tired of not sleeping without a Tylenol PM


Tired of not performing in a packed coliseum


Tired of not being on tour


Tired of fucking the same blonde whore after work


in the back of a Contour


I'm tired of faking knots with a stack of ones


Having a lack of funds and resorting back to guns


Tired of being stared at


I'm tired of wearing the same damn Nike Air hat


Tired of stepping in clubs wearing the same pair of Lugz


Tired of people saying they're tired of hearing me rap about drugs


Tired of other rappers who ain't bringin half the skill as me


saying they wasn't feeling me on "Nobody's As Ill As Me"


I'm tired of radio stations telling fibs


Tired of J-L-B saying "Where Hip-Hop Lives"






If I had one wish


I would ask for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss


You know what I'm saying?


I'm tired of all of this bullshit


Telling me to be positive


How'm I 'sposed to be positive when I don't see shit positive?


Know what I'm sayin?


I rap about shit around me, shit I see


Know what I'm sayin? Right now I'm tired of everything


Tired of all this player hating that's going on in my own city


Can't get no airplay, you know what I'm sayin?


But ey, it's cool though, you know what I'm sayin?


Just fed up


That's my word




"Rock Bottom"





A-yo!


This song is dedicated to all the happy people


All the happy people who have real nice lives


And who have no idea whats it like to be broke as fuck

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope, without a circus net


I'm popping percocets, I'm a nervous wreck


I deserve respect; but I work a sweat for this worthless check


Bout to burst this tech, at somebody to reverse this debt


Minimum wage got my adrenaline caged


Full of venom and rage


Especially when I'm engaged


And my daughter's down to her last diaper


That's got my ass hyper


I pray that god answers, maybe I'll ask nicer


Watching ballers while they flossing in their pathfinders


These overnight stars becoming autograph signers


We all long to blow up and leave the past behind us


Along with the small fry's and average half pinters


While player haters turn bitch like they have vaginas


Cause we see them dollar signs and let the cash blind us


Money will brainwash you and leave your ass mindless


Snakes slither in the grass spineless

That's Rock Bottom


When this life makes you mad enough to kill


That's Rock Bottom


When you want something bad enough to steal


That's Rock Bottom


When you feel you have had it up to here


Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear 


My life is full of empty promises


And broken dreams


I'm hoping things will look up


But there ain't no job openings


I feel discouraged hungry and malnourished


Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished


And I'm sick of working dead end jobs with lame pay


And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day


But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play


Cause when we die we know were all going the same way


It's cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan


When all you need is bucks to be the man


Plus a luxury sedan


Too comfortable and roomy in a six


They threw me in the mix


With all these gloomy lunatics


Walk around depressed


And smoke a pound of ses a day


And yesterday went by so quick it seems like it was just today


My daughter wants to throw the ball but I'm too stressed to play


Live half my life and throw the rest away

There's people that love me and people that hate me


But it's the evil that made me this backstabbing, deceitful, and shady


I want the money, the women, the fortune, and the fame


That Means I'll end up burning in hell scorching in flames


That means I'm stealing your checkbook and forging your name


Lifetime bliss for eternal torture and pain


Right now I feel like just hit the rock bottom


I got problems now everybody on my blocks got 'em


I'm screaming like those two cops when 2pac shot 'em


Holding two glocks, I hope your doors got new locks on 'em


My daughter's feet ain't got no shoes or sock's on 'em


And them rings you wearing look like they got a few rocks on 'em


And while you flaunting them I could be taking them to shops to pawn them


I got a couple of rings and a brand new watch you want 'em?


Cause I never went gold of one song


I'm running up on someone's lawns with guns drawn

Eminem was one very angry young man whose talent has given him the chance to escape from a life of cash and opportunity poverty. He took what he saw happening in his neighbourhood and used words and music to paint graphic images of a dark and terrible world. One that still exists in places like Detroit and London and too many children and young people are living in the sort of world he escaped from. And too many children and young people are dying violent deaths.

We need to listen.