Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got. Janis Joplin

One of my good friends grew up in a very deprived area of South London and attended one of its roughest schools where she was bullied relentlessly. She left school, literally battered and bruised, as soon as she could, without any qualifications, and became pregnant at 17. Once her son started school she began volunteering in his school and was eventually offered a job as a teaching assistant. Today she is head of a service in an outer London local authority in one of the most deprived areas of the country. The other day, discussing my being short listed for yet another job that I feel is actually way out of my league, I asked her why I keep putting myself through this. 'Because you have something to prove - just like me' she said.
 
Lying in bed that night thinking about what she said, I realised that, sadly, she was right.

The questions I now ask myself are why? Who to? And how do I change my thinking? Because constantly feeling inadequate is incredibly stressful and damaging.
 
Like me she wasn't really expected to do well academically. Her parents, like my mum, just wanted her to get a job when she left school. She got a job as a cashier in a bank and I started a hairdressing apprenticeship - neither role demanding much of the grey matter. Although we didn't know each other at the time we both ended up working in our children's schools and we both came to realise that we were just as 'clever' as the young middle class people who were teaching our children and, in some cases, even 'cleverer'.
 
Yet, each of us in our respective school, washed out the paint pots, sharpened the pencils and heard the children read. Over the years, as our skills and knowledge increased, we became familiar with how children learn and how to make that learning interesting. We gained experience in how to manage behaviour and how to inspire some of the most needy children in the class. We applied for any training that was available and happily took on new challenges. Yet no matter how much we learnt, how much experience we had we were never 'good enough'. We didn't have the degrees and the certificates that proved we were capable and would have ensured we were paid a decent wage and had some job security.
 
My friend, after being made to feel inadequate one time too many, eventually left to work in a local authority and it was there that her intelligence, flair and experience was finally recognised and she rose through the ranks to her current position of service manager where she has to manage a large multidisciplinary team of front line workers, she has to plan strategically for change and she is in charge of a multi million pound budget with a huge responsibility to the tax payer. She now feels she has 'proven' herself although she still yearns for a degree.

Schools are very hierarchical institutions and it took me a bit longer than my friend to realise I was undervalued, and along the way I managed to pick up a degree, but even then I was still looked down on by the professionals. Some in a very obvious way and some unintentionally. 
 
Since leaving the school job (madly enjoyable most of the time but with no hope of progression and paid peanuts) I have climbed the corporate ladder and have my sights set on a new position that I have little hope of getting, mainly because the fact that I'm not good enough may be picked up and, in addition, several of the other applicants are teachers - even an ex head teacher is applying. Over the last few years I have applied for several jobs and, after several intense and difficult interviews, have been offered them all except one. Each time I think 'Well. that's that. Can't quite believe they bought all that and I'm going to work hard and stay in this job until they either get rid of me or I retire.' And then another job, a bit further up the ladder and paying a bit more money presents itself and I find myself stressing over the application form. Then the anxious wait to see if I have been short listed begins followed by preparing for the interview presentation and rehearing my STAR stories. All the time thinking 'why the fuck? I love my job and can live on the money I earn so why. the. fuck. am I putting myself through this?' Well now I know.
 
I have something to prove.
 
So now I need to figure out who I have something to prove to.
 
My friend has something to prove to her bullies. To family members who wrote her off for getting pregnant while still in her teens. To the teachers whose classroom she washed paint pots. To the ex teachers and education psychologists she now manages, to everyone she knows who has a degree and to herself.
 
I was never bullied at school. True, I was never the most popular girl in class until, in what is now known as Year 6, I had my hair cut in a 'feathered style', which teemed with my suede hotpants, meant I was suddenly a bang on trend 11 year old and from that day on all the boys and girls wanted to be my friend. This is likely to be why hair and clothes have always been a passion of mine. I suppose this also fed into the assumption I was just a dumb blonde. Anyway I have no enemies from childhood and no old school friends I need to impress. As I'm still in touch with the ones I liked and, as they know how difficult my childhood was, I think they are impressed I'm not a druggie or an alcoholic.

I don't think I am trying to prove anything to my mother. I grew up being told by her I was useless, thick, ugly and unwanted. I don't believe any of those things and I know my mother well enough to know that I could never please her or make her proud. She just doesn't have those functions. She is damaged somehow and is never going to be fixed and I gave up years ago trying to find the switch that, if I flicked it to the 'on' position would make her a nicer person.

Am I trying to prove it to the teachers I used to work with?

Funnily enough I am now managing one of the teachers I once sharpened pencils for. Is she impressed? Is she fuck!
 
I have a degree. Not a great one - sort of lost interest in it in my final year as life as I knew it fell apart, but a degree nonetheless and, sadly, degrees are CV currency at the moment.
 
So I think the person I need to prove something to is me.
 
If that is the case shouldn't I just be able to look in the mirror and say something self affirming?

'Remember, you are a beautiful person in your own unique way. And you are valuable, worthy and lovable.'

Hmmm. Not my cup of tea.

Interesting article this month on self-affirmation in Huff -

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/02/self-affirmation-problem-solving-chronic-stress_n_3194437.html
 
It may help that I have recognised, through my friends comment, that I am at risk of chasing something I don't actually want just to prove to myself I am 'good enough'. It would be more sensible for me to try some Buddhist Affirmations rather than expose myself.
 

Today and every  day, I am committed to my meditation practice.

Today my inner lotus blossoms, as I release attachments and turn my face to the sun.

Today I seek enlightenment. Today I experience enlightenment. Today I am enlightened

Today I clearly see the beauty in a flower and my whole world changes.

Today I am practising right view in all my thoughts, words, and actions.

Today I am practising right intention with all my thoughts, words, and actions.

Today I am practising right speech with every word I say.

Today I am practising right action with everything I do.

I am the very embodiment of love and compassion in all my interactions with others.

Breathing in, I feel peace. Breathing out, I am peace.

The following link promises to be even more useful - 
 
 http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-change-your-mind-and-your-life-by-using-affirmations/