Lead the Way Tim

At the moment I am reading Bill Bryson's 'Note From a Big Country' which is really just a series of Blogs about the USA made into a book. Technically they are articles Bryson wrote for the 'Mail on Sunday' supplement in the '90's but they remind me of a Blog.  Bryson writes about the nonsensical, the quirky, the funny and the serious side of American life. He rants about bureaucracy, he examines the peculiarities of language and he talks about his home land with both affection and frustration. He gives the reader glimpses of his family life and comes across as a very nice, clever guy who sometimes thinks too much. And sometimes has too much time on his hands. Which is good for us readers because his idle thoughts sometimes become investigations into the whys and the hows that result in his many wonderful books.

Taking of idle thoughts is it OK to spend the whole day at home doing nothing? There has been a succession of bank holidays recently in which I did very little, other than celebrate the Royal Wedding at a friends 'wedding breakfast party' where we drank Bucks Fizz and ate Danish Pastries and oohed and ahhed over the dress and then, on following the Bank Holiday Monday, I spent the day on the Wey & Arun Canal. http://www.weyandarun.co.uk/hist1.php. I ask because I seem to have spent a lot of days at home recently shamefully doing nothing. Beautiful sunny days and I have steadfastly remained cocooned in my flat reading, listening to music, watching TV, spending time with my family and basically vegging out. Puts me in mind of the 'Lazy Song' if I was a teenage boy! Check out the impossibly cute Bruno Mars and this amusing little song -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0

While it is acceptable to have lazy days when you are young isn't it just a waste of time as you get older? I get cross with myself if I stay in bed too long at the weekend preferring to be up and about early and I begrudge the lost hours when I fall asleep at 9pm after a hard day at work. So the fact that I wasted a succession of sunny days makes me feel guilty. They may have been our summer!

Oh I forgot my eBay travels! I now know Essex like the back of my hand. Well Romford anyway. Ream! I take back everything I ever said about Sat Nav. What would I do without Tim, the kindly,
calm, authoritative yet slightly sexy male voice that never steers me wrong - not if I listen to him that is. He found all the places I have visited over the past few weeks and now I will have to relent and actually buy one as I really need to give this one back to its rightful owner. I will of course buy one from Ebay. And will insist it has a Tim. I was right about one thing though, I have lost my own internal navigation system - it was so fragile anyway that Tim has destroyed it with ease and now I can't find my way without him.

Back to the Wey & Arun Canal. I would never have found it if it wasn't for Tim. There is definitely something about being near water that makes me feel peaceful. As a child I always got so excited by my first glimpse of the sea when I went on holiday with my grandparents. As an adult,
taking my children to Cornwall for the first time, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of a truly bright blue sea in Newquay and then Looe, the sight of the sea meeting a lake will stay with me always. Lakes, rivers, canals all make me feel content. I wonder if that has anything to do with being born in a hospital situated on the side of the Thames and growing up a stones throw from its banks. The exception to this is the unease I feel whenever I see those streets up north, the ones with rows of small two up two down terraced houses and, at the end of the grim street is a grim river or sea. Whenever  I see these streets on the television (Liverpool springs to mind although when I went there the Mersey looked wonderful) I feel depressed. So much so that I have been unable to watch any more of the new detective series 'Vera' starring Brenda Blethyn. Set in Northumberland it is utterly depressing with ugly bleak scenery and an ugly bleak sea. It looks bloody awful up there and is obviously somewhere I will never ask Tim to take me. Getting back to beautiful water ways it is such a shame that some canals were abandoned, unfinished and filled in. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grand_Surrey_Canal. I had to park near the timber yard that was the beginning of the Grand Surrey Canal the other day and walk along the filled in canal which is now a walkway and cycle path. Strangely it retains the peace of a canal, even in a busy part of the city and is well used by commuters on their way to work.

eBay is a wonderful thing if you are looking for a bargain or have something to sell. That is if you are a private buyer/seller and are using it on a casual basis. Of course if you are selling or buying high value items there is a risk of being scammed but on the whole it seems to be a pretty good site. However it has grown at such a rate and is now big business and as such is subject to all sorts of rules and regulations such as Distance Selling Regulations and sellers are now ruthlessly monitored and judged. Of course a lot of what is going on is designed to route out the cowboys and scammers and ensure that the buyer can purchase with confidence but the pendulum seems to have swung too far the other way and sellers are being scrutinised to the nth degree. The sellers have something called Seller Performance which determines whether or not they can continue to sell and it doesn't seem to take much to make their SP enter the danger zone, just a couple of low ratings. Take a look at the Seller Central forum page on eBay to get an idea of the problems sellers face.

I may have been lucky as my experience so far has been painless and I always leave sellers positive feedback with high star ratings. If there ever was a problem I like to think that I would contact seller first before I would ever consider leaving negative feedback or scoring them low. Having read a few of these threads, the buyer is always right and sellers will bend over backwards to protect their SP ratings. So much so there are some unscrupulous buyers out there taking advantage of the situation. However if I buy a Sat Nav on eBay that sends me round and round in circles I may however feel differently!

Brave Face

Putting on a brave face is something of a speciality of mine. I suppose I began wearing it as a child because I wanted to be like my friends, the ones who were loved by their parents and living relatively carefree life's. I continued to wear it into my teens, when at school or at work, I would present myself as happy and content and no one would have dreamt that I went home at the end of the day to be greeted by a very angry unhappy woman who had found herself a single parent (at a time when these were a rarity) and living on the poverty line. I wore a brave face for most of the abusive relationship I had with my husband and the only person who knew I was wearing a mask was my sister. Friends, family, work mates, neighbours all remained unaware that my real face was one of despair. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer I wore my brave face and never shed a single tear, not one. Even now my brave face is the one everyone sees, no matter how unhappy or hurt I am. This is a good thing isn't it? Or is wearing this mask doing untold damage to my physical and spiritual health.

I saw someone having their aura cleansed last week and wondered just how dirty mine was and if the 'therapist' would need an industrial clearer t
o sort my aura out? We had wandered into an 'event' in a local hall. Cupcakes, designer lampshades (which were bog standard lampshades with fake flowers and disheveled barbie dolls stuck to them) and hand made cards. You know the sort of thing. Over in a corner was a woman wearing a white coat (al la dental nurse) and she was cleansing some other woman's aura. In public. I don't know about you but if you where having your aura cleansed wouldn't you rather it was done in private? Or at least behind a screen? The therapist was grabbing invisible muck out of the invisible aura and tossing it in the air. Where I imagine it floated into someone else's aura. I took a step or two back as the last thing I need is someone else's aura muck attaching itself to my aura muck and dirtying my aura even more, or worse, merging with my aura muck and mutating into a supermuck that is harder to remove and cements my brave face in place permanently.

So I thought I would check out the possibly of aura contamination and it is, apparently a very real risk!http://www.psychic-junkie.com/aura-cleansing.html.
When I demonstrated it to a friend she said she felt a 'pull'. Yuk.
Putting on a brave face is so much more that arranging your facial features to hide whatever turmoil you feel inside. It is about making sure that all the stuff that leaks into your aura doesn't contaminate anyone elses. Possible side effects? The inability to cry and being dead inside. But at least no one will know how you really feel.

despairing words -

Listen -

"If I Had..."


Life.. by Marshall Mathers


What is life?


Life is like a big obstacle


put in front of your optical to slow you down


And everytime you think you gotten past it


it's gonna come back around and tackle you to the damn ground


What are friends?


Friends are people that you think are your friends


But they really your enemies, with secret indentities


and disguises, to hide they true colors


So just when you think you close enough to be brothers


they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin


What is money?


Money is what makes a man act funny


Money is the root of all evil


Money'll make them same friends come back around


swearing that they was always down


What is life?


I'm tired of life


I'm tired of backstabbing ass snakes with friendly grins


I'm tired of committing so many sins


Tired of always giving in when this bottle of Henny wins


Tired of never having any ends


Tired of having skinny friends hooked on crack and mini-thins


I'm tired of this DJ playing YOUR shit when he spins


Tired of not having a deal


Tired of having to deal with the bullshit without grabbing the steel


Tired of drowning in my sorrow


Tired of having to borrow a dollar for gas to start my Monte Carlo


I'm tired of motherfuckers spraying shit and dartin off


I'm tired of jobs startin off at five fifty an hour


then this boss wanders why I'm smartin off


I'm tired of being fired everytime I fart and cough


Tired of having to work as a gas station clerk


for this jerk breathing down my neck driving me bezerk


I'm tired of using plastic silverware


Tired of working in Building Square


Tired of not being a millionaire


But if I had a million dollars


I'd buy a damn brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics


If I had a magic wand, I'd make the world suck my dick


without a condom on, while I'm on the john


If I had a million bucks


it wouldn't be enough, because I'd still be out


robbing armored trucks


If I had one wish


I would ask for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss

I'm tired of being white trash, broke and always poor


Tired of taking pop bottles back to the party store


I'm tired of not having a phone


Tired of not having a home to have one in if I did have it on


Tired of not driving a BM


Tired of not working at GM, tired of wanting to be him


Tired of not sleeping without a Tylenol PM


Tired of not performing in a packed coliseum


Tired of not being on tour


Tired of fucking the same blonde whore after work


in the back of a Contour


I'm tired of faking knots with a stack of ones


Having a lack of funds and resorting back to guns


Tired of being stared at


I'm tired of wearing the same damn Nike Air hat


Tired of stepping in clubs wearing the same pair of Lugz


Tired of people saying they're tired of hearing me rap about drugs


Tired of other rappers who ain't bringin half the skill as me


saying they wasn't feeling me on "Nobody's As Ill As Me"


I'm tired of radio stations telling fibs


Tired of J-L-B saying "Where Hip-Hop Lives"






If I had one wish


I would ask for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss


You know what I'm saying?


I'm tired of all of this bullshit


Telling me to be positive


How'm I 'sposed to be positive when I don't see shit positive?


Know what I'm sayin?


I rap about shit around me, shit I see


Know what I'm sayin? Right now I'm tired of everything


Tired of all this player hating that's going on in my own city


Can't get no airplay, you know what I'm sayin?


But ey, it's cool though, you know what I'm sayin?


Just fed up


That's my word




"Rock Bottom"





A-yo!


This song is dedicated to all the happy people


All the happy people who have real nice lives


And who have no idea whats it like to be broke as fuck

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope, without a circus net


I'm popping percocets, I'm a nervous wreck


I deserve respect; but I work a sweat for this worthless check


Bout to burst this tech, at somebody to reverse this debt


Minimum wage got my adrenaline caged


Full of venom and rage


Especially when I'm engaged


And my daughter's down to her last diaper


That's got my ass hyper


I pray that god answers, maybe I'll ask nicer


Watching ballers while they flossing in their pathfinders


These overnight stars becoming autograph signers


We all long to blow up and leave the past behind us


Along with the small fry's and average half pinters


While player haters turn bitch like they have vaginas


Cause we see them dollar signs and let the cash blind us


Money will brainwash you and leave your ass mindless


Snakes slither in the grass spineless

That's Rock Bottom


When this life makes you mad enough to kill


That's Rock Bottom


When you want something bad enough to steal


That's Rock Bottom


When you feel you have had it up to here


Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear 


My life is full of empty promises


And broken dreams


I'm hoping things will look up


But there ain't no job openings


I feel discouraged hungry and malnourished


Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished


And I'm sick of working dead end jobs with lame pay


And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day


But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play


Cause when we die we know were all going the same way


It's cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan


When all you need is bucks to be the man


Plus a luxury sedan


Too comfortable and roomy in a six


They threw me in the mix


With all these gloomy lunatics


Walk around depressed


And smoke a pound of ses a day


And yesterday went by so quick it seems like it was just today


My daughter wants to throw the ball but I'm too stressed to play


Live half my life and throw the rest away

There's people that love me and people that hate me


But it's the evil that made me this backstabbing, deceitful, and shady


I want the money, the women, the fortune, and the fame


That Means I'll end up burning in hell scorching in flames


That means I'm stealing your checkbook and forging your name


Lifetime bliss for eternal torture and pain


Right now I feel like just hit the rock bottom


I got problems now everybody on my blocks got 'em


I'm screaming like those two cops when 2pac shot 'em


Holding two glocks, I hope your doors got new locks on 'em


My daughter's feet ain't got no shoes or sock's on 'em


And them rings you wearing look like they got a few rocks on 'em


And while you flaunting them I could be taking them to shops to pawn them


I got a couple of rings and a brand new watch you want 'em?


Cause I never went gold of one song


I'm running up on someone's lawns with guns drawn

Eminem was one very angry young man whose talent has given him the chance to escape from a life of cash and opportunity poverty. He took what he saw happening in his neighbourhood and used words and music to paint graphic images of a dark and terrible world. One that still exists in places like Detroit and London and too many children and young people are living in the sort of world he escaped from. And too many children and young people are dying violent deaths.

We need to listen.

Wise Words

Not mine. Obviously.

What is wisdom? According to Wiki it is:
Wisdom is a deep understanding and realising of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to choose or act to consistently produce the optimum results with a minimum of time and energy. It is the ability to optimally (effectively and efficiently) apply perceptions and knowledge and so produce the desired results. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true or right coupled with optimum judgment as to action. Synonyms include: sagacity, discernment, or insight. Wisdom often requires control of one's emotional reactions (the "passions") so that one's principles, reason and knowledge prevail to determine one's actions.


Some say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself - Andy Warhol


One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything - Georg C. Lichtenberg


People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die - Plato

Knowing what will happen in the future, we are faced with a simple choice: either we resolve not to become attached to people and things, or we decide to love them even more fiercely -

Amélie Nothomb - The character of Rain


The longer one holds onto a memory, the longer one lives in the past. The deeper the memory they hold onto, the more beautiful the past will become. The beautiful memories will eventually turn into hate. Even if they look ahead, they lose the ability to walk. As long as the heavy chain called revenge continues to bind the heart, the tears of sadness will continue to flow - Buddha

Our lives are based on what is reasonable and common sense; truth is apt to be neither - Christmas Humphreys



The educational principle of evolution demands in the educational field: respect for human nature and of the individual; its stimulation to full development, expression, activity and initiative; natural, hence joyful, experience of life; stimulation to develop the senses, strengthening the body, to explore, to be lucid and to discover things; providing the minds with suitable nourishment; constant progress. It forbids: arbitrary assumptions and manipulations of human nature; any encouragement to act blindly and mechanically; any kind of drill; rote learning; uniformity; force-feeding with subject matter that is not understood etc. (quoted in Günther 1994: 297)


Nuff said.

Final Rant

Not wanting to sound like I have a bee in my bonnet about Sat Navs and I promise that this is the last time I will mention them but...

A few weeks ago I had to go to Leytonstone. Not an area of London I am entirely unfamiliar with, and looking at the route on line, I was reassured to see that it was a mere 25 minutes away. Two hours later I reached my destination having been exposed to the strange end of the Lea Bridge Road and a confusing grid of one ways and no entries. As it only took me a little over 20 minutes to get home I had to conclude that my map reading skills are not as good as I like to think they are and the next time I was to travel somewhere I didn't know very well maybe I should borrow a Sat Nav.

Today the SN got me to Epping Forest in just twenty minutes. But the journey from Epping to Battersea was an absolute nightmare. I ended up being sent up and down the streets of the East End including a very busy and car unfriendly Brick Lane. And for some reason the Thames had decided to play hide and seek. Tower Bridge had disappeared altogether and I will be very surprised to see it in its usual place tomorrow as it wasn't where it should be earlier. Listening to that SN made me waste a whole hour and worse, led to a panicking, tightening feeling in my chest. Things were not as they should be and I was out of kilter. On the third journey down the same road I finally figured out why I can't use one.

I just don't trust it.

How can you trust it not to let you down, make you late or get you lost? I like to know where I am going and what I might see along the way. It is too much to ask to give up control of ones destiny to a third party. I like reassurance. I like clear guidance. I don't want to be messed around and sent on wild goose chases. I want to be able to trust that I am not going to be hopelessly lost and abandoned. With a Sat Nav you can never really trust that it wont lose a signal, it won't send you down the wrong path or it wont just give up and leave you stranded alone and miles from anywhere.

Given that I am also a misunderstander I am never going to cope with something as vague as a SN. I have little concept of distance. 100 yards, 80 yards, 1.5 of a mile - I cannot visualise any of these things. East? West? Why say such things?  Why not just be more specific? SN says 'turn left in 100 yards' and, once I work out which way is left, I make the turn only to find it is 50 yards to soon and I am in someones drive way. So misunderstanding, poor judgement and sheer panic leads to mistrust and resentment. I finally had enough when, having spotted London Bridge to my left, the SN told me to go right. It obviously had its own agenda. That was it. I cut off its lifeline.  I found my way to Battersea under my own steam which wasn't difficult because I know where Battersea is. Unlike the SN.
When they invent a SN that reassures me on route - 'you're doing really well, we will reach our destination in about 15 minutes, traffic allowing.' and gives me clear, precise directions 'do a left at the Kings Head, pass the Icelands on the right and take the next left where the Shell garage is' then I might invest in one because in my heart I quite like gadgets and I am all for progress. Until then I will use my trusty A-Z. And factor in an extra hour for my journey.

Creating Adventures

Having been feeling off colour all week the last few days have seen my general unwellness develop into a fever and headache that kept me awake all last night. I am never too bothered about bouts of insomnia, normally I fall asleep with ease, and when that doesn't happen I read. But last night was awful. The fever made me toss and turn and the raging thirst meant drinking lots of water which in turn meant lots of visits to the loo. Still I had some blog ideas in the small hours that in the cold light of the morning don't seem interesting or appropriate for a blog. Now there's a thing. Interesting. How do you make a blog interesting? Stories about my mum's disconnection with the 21st century (she had never eaten pizza until last week!) or my attempts at thrift are not the stuff of 'must reads' for the masses.
Last week I had a great idea for a book which when I told my friend G about it he insisted that it has already been done. 'Has it? Are you sure? I haven't seen it and I would buy it'.
'No, I'm not sure, but really K, it has to have been done already. I'll Google it.' And what did he find? Zilch. Which goes to show that all the good ideas have not already been done  - just like all the great songs have not already been written. Every time I hear a song that blows me away I think 'well, this is it. There cannot be any more songs this wonderful waiting to be written'. After all there aren't that many notes are there? Or ways of arranging those notes? Is it infinite? And 'I love/hate you' or 'I want you/don't want you' or 'I want to fuck/be fucked' has been said in every way possible. Hasn't it?
Sadly I may not get round to producing my book. I say producing because it really requires little effort on my part other than organisation as it relies on contributions from other people. No doubt I will see it become a bestseller and say 'Bloody hell, I thought of that ages ago' just like I did about 'Friends Reunited' years before that became a reality.
Yesterday was beautiful. March sometimes surprises us with warm sunny days and although I would have liked to have stayed in bed hiding my red nose and bloodshot eyes under the covers I made myself visit my local high street which is becoming increasingly upmarket. Its only supermarket is a M&S, the high street has a bakers, butchers (organic of course), a florist, a greengrocers and a hardware store. It also boasts a library and a lovely Italian delicatessen. The area has also recently acquired a Farmers Market and two really interesting, but, in my mind 'posh' shops, catering mainly to the parents who send their children to the two private schools that are within a 100 yards of the high street. One is a cooking 'experience' shop which displays it 'le creuset' items among tastefully arranged cups that have been designed by some obscure but expensive cup designer. It is all very cheerful and well laid out and at the back is a large glass window behind which is the kitchen where they give cookery lessons. During the school holidays they give lessons to children and in the evenings they teach adults to cook fish, make pasta and bake cakes. When I popped in during half term the kitchen was filled with white children that answered to the names of Rufus or Petronia. Directly opposite this shop is a new toy shop that is run, I am sure, by an ex actress. She is a lovely welcoming woman, with a warm smile and when I went in there yesterday, drawn by a little book I had spotted in the window, the entire middle of the shop, which normally houses big tables displayed with books that have never seen the inside of a WH Smith, was transformed into a craft area where again, lots of white middle class children made collages while their young nannies watched over them. When I say toy shop that isn't exactly what it is. Most of the items for sale are things that children would have to make. So it stocks gorgeous puppet theatres, tree houses and dens made of durable, and I am sure, recyclable cardboard. There is lots of art materials and I found a lovely 'Captains Log' book that I would have loved as a child. What had drawn me in was a lovely little book called 'Adventure Walks for Families in and around London'. Inspired by the sunny day and Bryson's rambling around this isle I crave to walk in woods and fields and this book is a little gem. Not only does it have the details of over 20 walks but it has suggestions on what to do on these walks from stories you can tell, songs you can sing, and games you can play. It give advice on the essential walk pack, it gives you diversionary tactics to use if the children get tired and recommends themed picnics, shows you how to make catapults, build shelters and how to 'mudlark'. It also gives tips on identifying trees and plants. I was pleased to see they included one of my children's favourite walks when they were young - Ashdown Forest and its 'Winnie the Poo and Enchanted Forest' walk. If you go there at the right time of year you can wallow in its bluebell woods. There are several walks in London itself and walks in all the surrounding counties.
Many of my happiest childhood memories are those of rambles with my grandparents. My grandad would cut out the ramble printed in the Evening News on a Friday and we would set off on Saturday morning (by public transport) to the start of the walk and spend many happy hours in woods and fields singing 'I've Got Sixpence' before stopping off at some eatery (it was never a pub) before returning to the bus stop and catching the bus back to Brixton. I am determined to create those special memories for my grandson and springtime will see us 'Walking with Raptors' in Oxfordshire, playing 'Hideouts and Highwaymen' in Epping Forest or visiting 'High Tower' in Surrey. Or even simply flying kites on Hamptead Common or time travelling in Greenwich. The opportunities for adventure are endless.

I Love Dave

...the home of witty banter.

How cool is that? To be the actual home of witty banter?

Channel 4? The home of freaky documentaries? BBC? The home of political correctness? ITV? The home of Ant and Dec? Give me witty banter any day.

Talking of TV my mum needs a new telly, on account of everyone on hers being green (in colour, not in eco friendliness) so I took her to Currys, a version of hell on earth, only exceeded in nastiness by PC World. I got distracted by a bread maker and when I caught up with her, lost in a sea of flat screens, she looked at me in confusion and asked where the 'normal sets are'? 'What do you mean? I asked. 'Proper telly's. Not these flat black ones. They look as if they will fall over. I want a proper solid telly.' We left empty handed.

Why do I hate PC World? My daughter bought a lap top at 5.45pm last Saturday and when she got it home it wouldn't work. On Sunday at 11am she returned it to PC World who offered to send it off for a repair. It took 3 hours and a lots of protesting before they agreed to replace it. And even then they had to pop next door to Curry's to get a replacement as they had run out of that particular model. Word of advice. Go to John Lewis.

How is my resolution to shop only for clothes in charity shops going I hear you ask? Brilliantly. Much better than I expected. Everyday someone comments on what I am wearing. This week alone I have been called, by a stranger, a 'snazzy dresser' (on account, I think, of the bright orange chiffon sequined scarf I was wearing that I think may have been, in a previous life, a sari) and friends, both male and female, have said something lovely about what I have been wearing each day. I have found that rather than dressing in what the buyers for the high street shops I have decided I should be wearing this season I am wearing things that I have chosen. I am experimenting and mixing and matching as I never have before. Have I saved any money? Not really, the fact that charity shops also sell books put paid to that. But I might have saved a tree or two.

In recent weeks I have reignited my eBay addiction. Today I 'won' a £129 framed copy of a Mark Rothko print for £10 and narrowly missed out on a bread maker for £11. I love eBay. what else do I love?

My car
Daffodils
Tea
Eyebrow pencils
Cook books
and Bill Bryson.

I am re reading his 'Notes on a Small Island' and have revisited, with him, Corfe Castle, Snodland and Swanage. I sit up in bed, laughing out loud at his mild adventures in Dorset.

What do I hate?

Sat Nav
Cramp
Curry's
PC World
and Red Nose Day