Acceptance & Resentment

Invisible Disability

Having endured several weeks of pain from a sporting injury that I somehow managed to aquire despite not doing anything remotely sporty to get it - I really feel for my poor daughter K who has a real disability which means she is more or less in constant pain.

Looking at her all you would see is a beautiful woman. Great skin, shiny hair, very slim figure and lovely smile. I imagine if she was parking her car in a disabled bay there would be lots of tuts from people thinking she is abusing the system or, if i was with her, think that I was the disabled person as I shuffled slowly and painfully along.

Last week she accompanied me to my first physio appointment and was amazed at all the hunky physios behind the desk. When my name was called by a very cute physio she even whispered 'oh lucky you'. Did I feel lucky? No, not at all. I nearly died of embarrassment when he asked me to remove my tights, get on the table and then proceeded to manipulate my legs into positions they have not been in for a long time. Worst thing of all was the location of my soft tissue injury (the groin) and the fact that I had not defuzzed since the end of the summer. I was amazed he could also diagnose the fact that I have spent a lifetime in high heels just from the way I squatted (don't ask) and he is insisting I return this week for calf muscle lengthening exercises. What the hell - my initial injury is getting better so all the embarrassment has been worth it. My daughter, K, has her first appointment with these guys tomorrow and has been shaving and buffing all weekend.

K has also just started a new job and as part of the induction was sent to see Occupational Health, who it turned out, were reluctant to sign her fit for work. In the end they agreed but only after insisting they visit her place of work so they could advise on 'adjustments'. She was close to tears as she has been incredibly lucky to secure this job as a teaching assistant and would be very reluctant to give it up. K was mortified a few days later to dislocate her shoulder as she slept. Luckily her shoulder went back in its socket of its own accord but she has been left with some soft tissue damage to contend with. Yet she still managed to go to work after a visit to the hospital and armed with a prescription for some strong painkillers. So strong she cannot drive while taking them but as her place of work is within walking distance she can still get there and back without the car. When she rang to enquire about Disability Living Allowance, a non means tested benefit for the disabled, she was asked by the call centre operator 'can you walk?' and when she replied 'yes' they said 'then you don't need it'. It was only when the doctors told her to insist she be sent the application form and the support group for her particular condition said they would help her complete the paperwork that it was agreed the form would be sent. Apparently a high percentage of these claims are refused in the first instance only to be successful on appeal. So I always take with a pinch of salt the claims that there is a huge amount of fraudulent claims for this particular benefit and reported in some quarters with such resentment.

K has already said she feels resentful about her condition. The 'why me' question is something that is asked at 3am in the morning when the pain makes sleeping impossible. It will be tough for K to start accepting that things will be different for her from now on. Changing the car for an automatic drive, making sure she has someone with her for the big shop, having help with the housework are relatively easy changes to accept. Not beng able to carry her sleeping son into his bedroom, being limited in the sort of work she can do and the knowledge that things are highly likely to get worse are changes that are more difficult to come to terms with.

http://www.ehlers-danlos.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2046924/Parent-child-ADHD-Have-free-car-1-5bn-taxpayer-funded-scheme.html

K was extremely lucky to get the chance of employment as a Teaching Assistant. These jobs are highly sought after and headteachers now expect the applicants to have degrees and/or heaps of experience working with young children. So armed with only several GCSEs and a Diploma in Access to Social Work K was not expecting to get very far with her applicaion and was surprised when it resulted in the outcome it did. She is absolutely loving the job and agrees with my opinion that it is the best job in the world. Hearing about her experiences have brought back many happy memories for me. However one negative experience that echoes my own is the fact that her appointment has led to resentment from some of her colleagues. The school has a cohort of volunteers, usually parents who are themselves hoping for future jobs within the school, and some of these volunteers have muttered about the 'unfairness' of it all and have not been particulary friendly towards her. But what has really shocked her was the treatment of a young supply teacher by two of the (older) TAs. Their mumbling, sneering and general stroppy attitude led to the teacher bursting into tears and refusing to come back the following week. As K comforted her the young NQT sobbed 'my mum said they were just jealous'. Her mum was proberly right.
http://www.tes.co.uk/article.aspx?storycode=6005134

The following posts are also revealing although the main reason for volunteers not being welcome in the staff room (according to the headteacher at the school K works in is that old chestnut 'confidentiality' which really means we don't want volunteer parents hear us staff bitch about the kids.) A policy which must surely fuel resentment as Ks co unpaid workers see her swanning into the staff room while they are expected to take their breaks in the breakfst club room.
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1210207

If I'm honest I used to resent that some of the NQTs I worked with had less knowledge, experience and ability than me but earned so much more and had such good career prospects. Although I am sure I never made any of them cry. I saw one unexpectedly the other day and she said how much she had enjoyed working with me so hopefully I wasn't too harsh in my silent judgements on their classroom management. How I wish now I had not been so lazy and complacent and had done what they had done - earned some professional qualifications. Having toyed with the idea of getting them now I have decided it really isn't practical. For one thing I couldn't manage on what a NQT earns. At least I am able to encourage K not to get stuck being a TA - yes it is a wonderful job but the pay and career prospects are crap and if you have drive, creativity and ambition you will feel thwarted - if not resentful. If I am really honest....and this degree of honesty is making me feel uncomfortable, I truly resent the fact I had/have such low expectations for myself.

Resentment

In times of uncertainty and need people seem to get very resentful. Take the public sector workers pension debate for instance. The argument of those in the private sector seems to be 'its not fair' that  public sector workers 'have gold plated pensions'. The public sector workers argue that they have traditionally have been earning less than those in the private sector and were accepting of this because the pension scheme, which they have been paying into, was generous. The arguement as I hear it is 'I am not getting what you're getting so you shouldn't get it'. Resentful.

http://www.financemarkets.co.uk/2011/11/08/row-over-government-public-sector-pension-claims/

http://news.sky.com/home/business/article/16021556

Due to restructuring at my place of work we are all turning into resentment filled people. All mildly resentful to find out a colleague has been given a training opportunity that we weren't. Instead of asking 'why wasn't I given that training?' we are asking 'why were they given that training?' A good friend of mine has been given an opportunity to get some management experience in another team. Members of that team, so filled with resentment, drafted a letter to HR and Head Of Service to object to the appointment. Resentful.

Learning that women on maternity leave are given more job security than those of us who are not pregnant leads to feelings of resentment. Learning that those who have been in the job less than two years are not eligible for redundancy leads to resentment. Learning that agency staff can apply for posts along with the permanent staff leads to resentment. Lack of communication, incorrect information shared, scare mongering and Chinese Whispers all lead to misunderstanding, fuels resentment but naming the feeling and examining our motives is too ugly to contemplate so we all continue to feel resentful or be resented. Not a good place to be.

In fact resentment is cited by The Alcoholics Anonymous organisation as the number one offender, and one of the greatest threats to an alcoholic. Several of the Twelve Steps of AA involve identifying and dealing with resentment as part of the path toward recovery, including acknowledging 'one's own role in resentment and praying for the resentment to be taken away'. In case the power of prayer does not work you could always try meditation. This can be an effective tool when clarity and inner peace is needed.

Looking back on my childhood I think that I grew up in an environment of resentment. My parents resented each other and then in turn resented me. After being an only child for 6 years I massively resented my little sister who in turn resented us all! I lived for many years with a man who resented the whole world. I think it was during this period that I first became aware of the poisoning effect resentment has on ones psyche. Resentment can be replaced with acceptance, not easy by any means but an easier path than being an alcoholic.