'Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different from being drunk on a bus' Ozzy Osbourne

Once, whilst drunk at a work 'do', a female colleague and I passed an ice cube to each other via our mouths. Some bright spark took a snap (never drink too much at work functions...it will always end in tears) and the resulting photograph made it look as if we had been snogging and it appeared as every one's screen saver the next day in the office. The embarrassment lasted a few days and it took even longer to persuade some of the men in the office that tropical fish were really a better image to use to protect their computer screens with.

I have also fallen asleep whist drunk in the toilets of a nightclub and emerged to find the club closing and friends frantically looking for me. And I am pretty sure that once, while on a double decker bus dressed as a school girl, I flashed my bra at tourists in Soho, but hey, it was a hen night. And it was a very pretty bra. But never ever, whilst under the influence of alcohol, or at any other time, have I tried to extort money from a third party in return for introducing that third party to a close friend. The Duchess Sarah is now claiming she was drunk when she met with the undercover reporter and took from him £40,000 as the deposit for the half a million she was charging for an introduction to her ex husband, the Prince. Assuming undercover reporters disguised as rich Arabs don't just appear out of thin air I imagine The Duchess was sober when she arranged to meet with him in the hotel room. So she seems to be saying that her behaviour in the hotel room and the things she was saying at that meeting were the result of being drunk. So was she sober when she planned to sell access to her ex husband? Or was she planning to meet with the Arab and collect £40.000 for some other reason? (What is it with £40.000? It is this weeks magic number!)

Common things the rest of us do when drunk:

Drink crappy beer/wine because by that stage it all tastes divine
Go home with a stranger - who you then get to know intimately
Eat whatever is put in front of you - usually a kebab
Fall asleep bent over the toilet
Ring/email/text your Ex - all equally disastrous, but worse if it is in writing - they can refer to it afterwards
Argue with inanimate objects - seek help if they argue back
Wake up in bed fully clothed
If you are male...you wee in the wardrobe
If you are female, and northern, you fall asleep on the kerb (usually knickerless and in front of a Daily Mail photographer)

On a darker note -

Drink drive
Start a fight
Hit your spouse

The darker side of things drunks do is accurately described by Eminem in his song 'Drug Ballard'

This is how we used to make the party start
We used to mix Hen' with Bacardi Dark
And when it, kicks in you can hardly talk
And by the, sixth gin you're gonna probably crawl
And you'll be, sick then and you'll probably barf
And my pre-diction is you're gonna probably fall
Either somewhere in the lobby or the hallway wall
And everything's spinning
You're beginin' to think women
are swimming in pink linen again in the sink
Then in a couple of minutes that bottle of Guiness is finished
You are now allowed to officially slap bitches
You have the right to remain violent and start wilin'
Start a fight with the same guy that was smart eyin' you
Get in your car, start it, and start drivin'
Over the island and cause a 42 car pile-up

The Duchess embarrassing herself and her family doesn't seem so bad compared to what Eminem and his pals get up too eh? And my drunken shenanigans? Mere high spirits ! (excuse the pun)

Cheers!

Integrity 2

Mehdi Hasan, appearing on ‘The Politics Show’ this morning, and talking about the furore surrounding David Laws expenses boob, put across his view in a reasoned, logical manner and he outlined the important facts. The issue isn’t his sexuality, it’s his integrity. And his lack of common sense.

Laws was in charge of tax payer’s money and was given the role of making cuts in spending, cuts that would impact on many peoples quality of life, cuts that are going to hurt and someone in that position should not have taken £40,000 of our money and paid it to his partner as rent. Laws can argue what 'partner' means all he likes but this person was his 'cohabitee' and as such paying them this money was clearly against the rules. It is possible that, as has been suggested, Laws and his partner started out in a landlord/tenant relationship, in which case the money was legitimately claimed, but the minute their relationship changed Laws should have made other arrangements. Laws is a millionaire and it seems an odd choice for a millionaire to rent a room in a house. He’s not a student for fucks sake but a grown man. He could have legitimately rented a home of his own, moved his lover in and claimed for all the rent or mortgage on the new property. He would of course have had to pay that money over to a third person and Laws decided instead to keep bunging his lover the money. Or if he really was so worried about being ‘outted’ he could have just decided not to claim the expenses at all. The fact that he is a millionaire does not mean, as some people have suggested, that £40.000 is chicken feed to him. £40.000 is a lot of money. Let’s not forget that it is more that most people earn in a year. He is reported as to have been in turmoil because he wanted to keep his homosexuality a secret. However, reports this morning from his constituency, where he is much admired and, indeed, enjoys a huge majority, claim that his homosexuality was an open secret. Like another high profile Lib Dem politician who is held very dear by his constituents and manages to lives quietly with his male lover…no questions were asked, no eyebrows were raised, no one gives a flying fuck. Why did Laws take the role of Chief Secretary to the Treasury, a role that meant he would be wielding the axe on public spending? Hypocrite.

How then can Clegg continue to say Laws is a man of integrity? Does Clegg have any idea what the word ‘integrity’ means? Obviously not. Mr Clegg, ‘Integrity’ is wrapped up with truth and honesty, integrity embraces principles and values and most of all it means someone has an inbuilt mechanism for ‘doing the right thing’. Laws clearly didn’t. He is saying to someone in genuine need ‘Oh, no, you can’t claim that benefit…cut backs my dear’ while he is claiming for a benefit he knows he is not entitled too. Ugh! *shudders*

Laws is claiming this mess arose out of his desire to keep his sexuality a secret. Yeah right. This mess has nothing to do with him being gay. It has everything to do with him being greedy. Didn’t Laws once work in the city? Hmmm, the Greed Capital. And didn’t he do very well in that hot bed of dog eat dog? Hmmm…Greed motivated.

Our fledgling coalition government have had a huge setback, as by all accounts, Laws was the ideal candidate for the job. If that really is the case we really don’t have much hope of ever being a fairer society do we?




Sarah Ferguson is a woman who lacks integrity.

Once upon a time Sarah married a Prince. Although she never became an actual Princess herself she did become a Duchess and she bore the Prince two little Princesses. Unfortunately the marriage did not last long and Sarah was, for a time, banished from the royal palace, something to do with apparently sucking some blokes toe in front of the tiny Princesses. Sarah was still a young, healthy woman and off she went to seek her fortune in the big wide world. Her Princesses were still very much part of the royal family and enjoyed the privilege this afforded them so Sarah only had to financially provide for herself. Sarah threw herself into making money and managed to secure a deal worth a couple of million pounds, she cultivated rich friends and lived the high life. To give the Dutchess her due she also raised lots of money for charity and while doing so managed to keep her profile in the media and consequently appeared on chat shows and in magazine interviews. Sarah also managed to stay on good terms with her ex, the Prince, who bizarrely continued to pay her £15.000 a year, which is half the money he is reported to earn - as opposed to the money paid to him each year by the tax payer via his mummy the Queen.

Sarah found it hard to keep pace with her rich friends, who no doubt assumed that as a Duchess she was worth a bob or two, and she soon saw her millions dwindling and so she started to live off her daughters trust funds and 'rent' a room in her ex husbands palace. Maybe her and David Laws could join forces and rent a house share between them - somewhere between the two palaces, Buckingham and Westminster. Laws could definitely advise her on what benefits she may be able to claim, for the time being at least, as he didn't have time to axe them all.

Sarah, now living in poverty (well, it is all relative) decided to sell her Prince to the highest bidder and in doing so was the victim of a sordid little sting. When discovered she bleated that in the past she had been too highly principled to demand more money when she divorced (unlike, she hinted, that little minx Diana, who stiffed her Prince for 20 million before she was stiffed by....oh that's a whole different story) and those high principles are the ultimate cause of her downfall. Sarah has now seen the error of her ways and is investigating the possibility of stinging her ex for more 'maintenance'. Not for her children, the royal family certainly take care of their 'own', but for her. Why does this woman think that her ex and his family have any responsibly for her food, travel, clothing etc, or for the roof over her head? Why does this woman think it's OK for her to 'dip into her children's trust funds' or to go on living in the home of her ex...what will that do for any relationship her ex may want to enter into? Girlfriends tend to feel uncomfortable by the ex wife living in the attic. Sarah has shown herself to be greedy, selfish and lacking in common sense. What has she done with all the money she has been earning over the years? Unless she takes a good long look at herself, how she lives and what her motives are this is one fairy story that isn't going to end in 'happily ever after'.

Terry - Without you what is point?

Why on earth do we do it? Have we not learned any lessons? It seems not. We have a deep optimism that this time we have got it right. This time it will all work out. And it never does. If we are honest with ourselves we will see it has been years since it ever did. Why don’t we just face that fact? Why do we repeatedly put ourselves forward for rejection after rejection? We try our best. We make an effort to look good; carefully weighing up what we think will work. We spend months making it worthwhile, ironing out the creases, changing the way we do things in an effort to make it the best it can ever be.
We spend a long time considering our various options, making what we think are the right choices. We want it to succeed, we even think we deserve it to work out the way we hope it will so we chip away at the doubts and try our best to make a success of it. Ok - so we keep picking the wrong people, people who we think have got that 'special something', people who make all the right noises but when the chips are down, they're just like all the rest. They just can't make it work. It's not even their fault. We have such high hopes and big, some may even say ureasonable, expectations. We want our glory days back. We know that success doesn’t always bring us happiness, but we cling on to the thought that this time it will. We keep thinking this time it will be different. This time it will all work out. This time we can laugh in the face of all those who snigger behind our backs, who are glad to see us flounder, yet again. And yet what we actually get, time after time, is more humiliation, more rejection and we are left to pick up the pieces and, beaten and forlorn, go away to lick our wounds, wonder where we went wrong and how we can avoid the pitfalls the next time. There is always a next time. When we have forgotten the pain, the regret - the sheer bloody waste of time and effort. No, we don't give up! We don't quit chasing the dream! For some unknown reason we keep at it, year after year, thinking next time it will be different. Next time we will make the right choice. We will get it right. We will make it work. And yet we never do. So tell me….when will we stop entering the fucking Eurovision Song Contest?

Its a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Having spent much of the week trying to get help for a client with a serious mental health problem I have found myself pondering (in a very un-Russell Brand way) on the devastating effect mental illness has on the sufferer and their family and friends. One of the books I am reading at the moment, 'Relative Strangers, A Life After Death' by Mary Loudon is an account of her family's experience of dealing with her sisters mental illness and the helplessness they all felt as their daughter/sister spiralled out of control, and ultimately died, not off as expected, by taking her own life, but by cancer, a horrible, murderous disease but one that is much more acceptable than a mental illness. Mary and her sister Catherine had the same upbringing, the same early experiences and, one would think, the same chances in life but as Mary says 'It looks as if Catherine and I began our lives at the same place but we didn't. She had schizophrenia and I did not'.

The book is a difficult read at times, but is beautifully, not sensationally, written and Catherine’s story is told with poignancy and flair. But it isn't only Catherine’s story; it is the story of a family trying to deal with a loved one who is devastatingly 'different'. And different in a way that makes living a 'normal' life impossible for all concerned.

Growing up with a step father who has Manic Depression, now known as 'Bipolar Disorder' I know first hand the devastation it causes a family. This mental illness has become almost trendy with some high profile suffers such as Stephen Fry and Kelly Katona and I have read reports that claim it can add to a persons fabric of life, making them more creative, giving them more confidence. If its the confidence to live a life full of drama and controversy - well yes, it certainly can do that. The flip side is dispondancy and sadness.

Bipolar disorder - previously known as manic depression - is a condition that affects your moods, which can swing from one extreme to another. If you have bipolar disorder you will have periods, or ‘episodes’, of depression and mania. The depression and mania that are associated with bipolar disorder are characterised as follows:

•depression - where you feel very low, and
•mania - where you feel very high; slightly less severe mania is known as hypomania.

Both extremes of bipolar disorder have a number of other associated symptoms. Unlike simple mood swings, each extreme episode of bipolar disorder can last for several weeks or longer. The high and low phases of the illness are often so extreme that they interfere with everyday life. During a manic phase of bipolar disorder, you may feel very happy and have lots of ambitious plans and ideas. You may spend large amounts of money on things that you cannot afford. Not feeling like eating or sleeping, talking quickly, and becoming annoyed easily are also common characteristics of bipolar disorder. During the manic phase, you may feel very creative and view mania as a positive experience. However, during the manic phase of bipolar disorder, you may also have symptoms of psychosis. Ah yes...psychosis. That led to a bundle of laughs, let me tell you.

Reading the above clarifies things for me slightly but it is a very clinical description of the nightmare me and my sister grew up with. The fear and confusion about what was going on, the negative feelings for my step father, a man who had, until his first onset of mania, been kind and gentle, who now terrified us and wanted to cause us harm. Seeing my mother, who was supposed to be our protector, flee in fear, leaving me and my little sister to deal with the fall out has impacted on our lives to this day. It made us make choices we were far too young to make. We lost our peace of mind. Sometimes I fear forever.

It's funny that I left home to live with someone else whose childhood had been blighted by mental illness. His mother had schizophrenia and this led to all four children being put into care at various times. The effect of this is still apparent today and none of them are leading what could be classed as productive lives. It didn't help that their father had what could be described as a 'Personality Disorder'. He certainly showed all the signs of having a 'Antisocial Personality Disorder' which included:

Persistent lying or stealing
Apparent lack of remorse or empathy for others
Cruelty to animals (and children!)
Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper
Recurring difficulties with the law
Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others
Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
Inability to tolerate boredom
Disregard for safety

Schizophrenia & Antisocial Personality Disorder = a match made in hell. No wonder the kids have grown up such problems.


Wikipedia:

Personality disorders, formerly referred to as character disorders, are a class of personality types and behaviors that the American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it".

These behavioral patterns in personality disorders are typically associated with severe disturbances in the behavioral tendencies of an individual, usually involving several areas of the personality, and are nearly always associated with considerable personal and social disruption. Additionally, personality disorders are inflexible and pervasive across many situations, due in large part to the fact that such behavior is ego-syntonic (i.e. the patterns are consistent with the ego integrity of the individual) and are, therefore, perceived to be appropriate by that individual.

The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to late adolescence and the beginning of adulthood and, in rarer instances, childhood.
Diagnosis of personality disorders can be very subjective; however, inflexible and pervasive behavioral patterns often cause serious personal and social difficulties, as well as a general functional impairment. Rigid and ongoing patterns of feeling, thinking and behavior are said to be caused by underlying belief systems and these systems are referred to as fixed fantasies or "dysfunctional schemata" (Cognitive modules).

Working with families, some of whom are headed by parents with mental illness and/or personality disorders, or who are themselves the casualties of growing up with parents who had mental illnesses or personality disorders is the cause of sleepless nights. Knowing that a child is being dragged around streets in the middle of the night because mum thinks her home is bugged and the neighbours are spying on her, knowing the child witnesses her mum burning papers and chanting curses in the living room, knowing that food is not easy to come by because mum is convinced that it is all poisoned, knowing that her mum has suicidal thoughts and that she may, if no one steps in and removes the child and sections her, kill both herself and her daughter keeps you awake at night. Thankfully in this case the police and social services have taken action and for this weekend at least mum and daughter will be safe. But what next?

On a lighter note - I have been accused in the past of having a 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. So I took an online test.

Result:

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Quick Summary:

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the centre of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to describe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provocatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder:
•Needs to be the centre of attention
•Dresses or acts provocatively
•Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions
•Exaggerates friendships
•Overly-dramatic, occasionally theatrical speech
•easily influenced; highly suggestible

Hmmmm, I am not overly convinced of this although I can identify to the description for those with HPD as 'these individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious.' Yep, hands up to that. As for 'they may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.' Certainly not! Well, maybe a bit...but then again I only scored a 'Moderate'.

Having an awareness of the following is useful, both in dealing with ones own feelings and behaviours but also in communicating with other people who may be displaying certain behaviours:

Borderline Personality Disorder is considered to be the most common personality disorder. The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is somewhat controversial because it is difficult to diagnosis. Some classic symptoms of this disorder include an intense fear of abandonment, emotional intensity, unpredictable mood swings, impulsively, obsessive ruminating, paranoid distortions and self-destructive behavior.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have immense difficulty regulating their emotions. They display a marked hypersensitivity to other people and the stress of social interactions and emotional intimacy that leaves them on an emotional roller coaster that is terrifying to themselves and others. People with BPD become so overwhelmed by their own emotions that they lash out at their loved ones in unpredictable rages or turn their fear and anger inwards and act self destructively.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder find it more difficult to distinguish reality from their own misperceptions of the world and their surrounding environment. While this may seem like a form of delusional disorder at times, it is actually caused by their intense emotions overwhelming their regular cognitive functioning. This is why people with BPD can sometimes excel in academia and the work place and yet totally lose control in their personal and family lives.

The most distinguishing characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder is a tendency to see things in black and white. People suffering from this disorder live in a world of extremes. They either idealise or vilify everyone they meet. Often they veer between idealising a loved one and devaluating them causing great turmoil and misery in that loved one’s life. Situations these people encounter are viewed as either ideal or disastrous. It doesn’t take much to upset their equilibrium. A frown from a co-worker or neighbour may send them into a rage and their spouse and family members may have to listen to obsessive ruminating about this co-worker’s personality and actions for several weeks afterward. A neighbour may be shunned as a result of a facial expression, a throwaway comment, or a broken lunch date. A family member may be cut out of the will after displeasing the BPD by some minor action or because the BPD has fabricated in their mind, actions or motivations that never occurred.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not psychotic, however their behavior can seem “crazy” to those closest to them. They often have extreme mood swings that cycle very rapidly through out the course of a single day. They are irritable and anxious much of the time. BPDs are often suspicious and distrustful of loved ones and others without real cause. They experience cognitive distortions and accuse loved ones and others of doing things they haven’t done and of having sinister motives for the simplest of actions. They feel they can never get enough love and affection to make them feel happy and secure. Loved ones feel they are constantly “walking on eggshells” fearful of doing or saying the “wrong” thing least it set off the rage of their borderline family member.

Some people with Borderline Personality Disorder engage in self-destructive behaviors such as over spending, overeating, promiscuity, criminal behavior, substance abuse, prostitution, and eating disorders. A subgroup of BPDs is involved in chronic self-mutilation for example purposely burning and cutting their skin.Some BPDs cut their skin so often that they are referred to as "cutters". Suicidal ideology is common at some point in many of these people’s lives.

At times people with Borderline Personality Disorder feel empty, spacey and unreal. Central to those with borderline personality is an identity disturbance, a feeling of being empty and out of sync with the rest of humanity. They may have a deep-rooted secret belief that they are evil. Often Borderline’s may project their own feelings of inferiority on to loved ones whom they then devalue and abuse. Some BPDs physically abuse their loved ones, kicking punching, slapping and gouging their loved ones with their fingernails. They act verbally abusive to people they know well while putting on a charming front for other people, thus fooling coworkers, neighbours and therapists who may not believe family members stories of abuse. They may appear competent and even excel in some situations while acting extremely out of control in others. Child and spousal abuse is common.


Borderlines are “love addicts”. They are terrified of being alone. They may rush into relationships and try to establish intimacy as quickly as possible, having sex on the first date, or sharing intimate details of their lives at a very early stage. They idealise the new partner at first, but this idealization quickly turns to devaluation and disillusionment when the person fails to live up to their ideals.


Experts believe that borderline personality disorder, like most psychiatric disorders, is caused by a combination of biological factors, genetic factors and environmental experiences. Those who believe that environmental experience is the primary cause focus on the delicate relationship between children and their caregivers in the early years of life. Many believe that child abuse or neglect is the main cause of Borderline Personality Disorder. Some experts believe the loss of a parent at an early age can lead to a person developing the condition. Violence, traumatic separation, substance abuse or incest frequently marks the Borderline’s childhood history. The relationship between mother and pre-borderline child is often revealed to have been confrontational or even hostile.

Wow!!! That just about covers I know!

Except me of course.

'Sweet childish days, that were as long, As twenty days are now.' Wordsworth

Two of my friends have become grandmothers this week and I am very happy to have someone else to talk with about all things grandchildren related! Sharing how amazing everything a grandchild says and does, how impossibly gorgeous they are and how, no matter how busy you are, no matter how worried, stressed or upset, the second you think of your grandchild a warm glow fills you and you find yourself smiling inanely. The first time my grandson spontaneously said ‘I love you’ I thought I would burst with happiness. That is the purest ‘I love you’ of all. I was one of the first grandmothers in my circle of friends and it is nice to have others reaching this stage of life with me. One of the new grandmothers is holding a party for grandmothers soon and we will look (and behave) very ungrandmotherly. I hope.

Talking of parties I held a Flat Anniversary party at the weekend and was blessed with the most amazing weather. And I wasn’t the only one with the same idea as a couple of the neighbours also had friends round, with wine flowing and lots of conversation and music, both in our homes and on the communal lawn, where there was a real street party atmosphere. It is hard to believe a year has passed since we all moved in and everyone I spoke to expressed the same amazement at the speed at which time flies. I am convinced the speed of time has actually speeded up in recent years and this can’t possibly be because I am getting older. At this rate when I am 70 a year will last approximately 6 months, a ‘dog year’ in fact. I am really alarmed about time running away from me. I want my days to last the 24 hours they are supposed to and a week with a full seven days would be a luxury. Not to mention a month that had its full quota of days and not the 28 days my months have been reduced to in recent years. And why has the wait for Christmas been reduced a mere blink of the eye? When I was a kid you had to wait a whole loooooooooooong year between Christmases and now they follow each other like shadows. Nowadays, as you hand out your Christmas gifts you know you will be shopping for the next years ones before the pine needles have fallen off the tree. It’s not as if time drags when I’m bored. It used to. I am sure that whole afternoons would drag on when I was in school or when I had a very boring Sunday visiting the odd old relative. Or when I was in for an evening and there was nothing worth watching on TV and I had nothing interesting to read. Oh no, time dragging is a thing of the past and now it simply whizzes by, so I only have time to watch one programme, or read a couple of pages, before I have to get some sleep. And sleep? I close my eyes and turn over to snuggle down to dream and the next thing I know, barely seconds later, my alarm rings and I have to abandon all idea of sleeping and instead have to get up and get ready for work. Even the journey to work has speeded up and the days when I could listen to a whole CD on my way to work have long gone. Now I manage to listen to a song, maybe two, before I have arrived at my destination.

Maybe what they say is true - time, like poverty, is relative. But although you can by a lottery ticket in the hope of becoming rich, time is given and taken away in the same instant. It can't be earned, saved up or won back. Buying time, living on borrowed time, saving time are all popular sayings that refer to mere humans juggling with the concept of time. But one thing we can be sure of. It will catch up with us one day.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes....

This is a time of change. 'Vote for Change!' was the cry. And we did. And we wait, with baited breath and high hopes, for a radial change in the way our government operates.

Change is often equated with loss. The loss of a loved one, the loss of health, the loss of job. And because of this change is feared as much as, in times of darkness, it is welcomed, when the change is bringing light and hope and...escape from whatever ties are keeping you tethered.

Fear of change is selfish. I remember a perfect moment in my life when I wanted time to stand still and for nothing to change. A simple moment. It was a Sunday evening, my kids were quite young and having spend the day out playing they were bathed and cuddled up to me and their dad watching 'London's Burning', a popular TV programme in the 90s. I was in a moment of pure bliss, surrounded by my family, all safe and sound, and I remember thinking 'I want this feeling to last forever'. Of course it didn't. The kids grow up, do their own thing, make their own mistakes and successes and never again will you feel so secure in the knowledge that you can keep them safe and protected. That magical moment of bliss is so rare that I can count the number of times I have felt that way on one hand. In that moment of bliss is the knowledge that it is all going to chance. Allowing this knowledge to enter your moment is when the bliss stops being pleasurable and instead becomes something to fear. You start to mourn a negative while you are still in the positive.

Desire for change is selfish. There are many more times in my life when I dreamt of change than when I wished for permanence . A wish for a different life, a better place to live, a different job, car, dress size. A wish for change that would give me liberty, set me free physically and emotionally. But I have come to learn that living in the moment is the key to contentment and that a desire for change can be a dangerous thing.

Impermanence -- Thich Nhat Hanh

Nothing remains the same for two consecutive moments. Heraclitus said we can never bathe twice in the same river. Confucius, while looking at a stream, said, "It is always flowing, day and night." The Buddha implored us not just to talk about impermanence, but to use it as an instrument to help us penetrate deeply into reality and obtain liberating insight. We may be tempted to say that because things are impermanent, there is suffering. But the Buddha encouraged us to look again. Without impermanence, life is not possible. How can we transform our suffering if things are not impermanent? How can our daughter grow up into a beautiful young lady? How can the situation in the world improve? We need impermanence for social justice and for hope. If you suffer, it is not because things are impermanent. It is because you believe things are permanent. When a flower dies, you don't suffer much, because you understand that flowers are impermanent. But you cannot accept the impermanence of your beloved one, and you suffer deeply when she passes away.
If you look deeply into impermanence, you will do your best to make her happy right now. Aware of impermanence, you become positive, loving and wise. Impermanence is good news. Without impermanence, nothing would be possible. With impermanence, every door is open for change. Impermanence is an instrument for our liberation.

'A Change Is Gonna Come' we are told. And it has. Finally. Maybe. A trickle of change. Change is good (always?) Change is the cycle of life. Nothing stays the same. Which is a good thing...isn't it?

Impermanence

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Bowie