Once, whilst drunk at a work 'do', a female colleague and I passed an ice cube to each other via our mouths. Some bright spark took a snap (never drink too much at work functions...it will always end in tears) and the resulting photograph made it look as if we had been snogging and it appeared as every one's screen saver the next day in the office. The embarrassment lasted a few days and it took even longer to persuade some of the men in the office that tropical fish were really a better image to use to protect their computer screens with.
I have also fallen asleep whist drunk in the toilets of a nightclub and emerged to find the club closing and friends frantically looking for me. And I am pretty sure that once, while on a double decker bus dressed as a school girl, I flashed my bra at tourists in Soho, but hey, it was a hen night. And it was a very pretty bra. But never ever, whilst under the influence of alcohol, or at any other time, have I tried to extort money from a third party in return for introducing that third party to a close friend. The Duchess Sarah is now claiming she was drunk when she met with the undercover reporter and took from him £40,000 as the deposit for the half a million she was charging for an introduction to her ex husband, the Prince. Assuming undercover reporters disguised as rich Arabs don't just appear out of thin air I imagine The Duchess was sober when she arranged to meet with him in the hotel room. So she seems to be saying that her behaviour in the hotel room and the things she was saying at that meeting were the result of being drunk. So was she sober when she planned to sell access to her ex husband? Or was she planning to meet with the Arab and collect £40.000 for some other reason? (What is it with £40.000? It is this weeks magic number!)
Common things the rest of us do when drunk:
Drink crappy beer/wine because by that stage it all tastes divine
Go home with a stranger - who you then get to know intimately
Eat whatever is put in front of you - usually a kebab
Fall asleep bent over the toilet
Ring/email/text your Ex - all equally disastrous, but worse if it is in writing - they can refer to it afterwards
Argue with inanimate objects - seek help if they argue back
Wake up in bed fully clothed
If you are male...you wee in the wardrobe
If you are female, and northern, you fall asleep on the kerb (usually knickerless and in front of a Daily Mail photographer)
On a darker note -
Drink drive
Start a fight
Hit your spouse
The darker side of things drunks do is accurately described by Eminem in his song 'Drug Ballard'
This is how we used to make the party start
We used to mix Hen' with Bacardi Dark
And when it, kicks in you can hardly talk
And by the, sixth gin you're gonna probably crawl
And you'll be, sick then and you'll probably barf
And my pre-diction is you're gonna probably fall
Either somewhere in the lobby or the hallway wall
And everything's spinning
You're beginin' to think women
are swimming in pink linen again in the sink
Then in a couple of minutes that bottle of Guiness is finished
You are now allowed to officially slap bitches
You have the right to remain violent and start wilin'
Start a fight with the same guy that was smart eyin' you
Get in your car, start it, and start drivin'
Over the island and cause a 42 car pile-up
The Duchess embarrassing herself and her family doesn't seem so bad compared to what Eminem and his pals get up too eh? And my drunken shenanigans? Mere high spirits ! (excuse the pun)
Cheers!
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