Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not. ~Henri Frederic Amiel

I know I keep banging on about change but –

Once upon a time I worked in an amazing place doing the best job in the world. Not content with that I decided to ‘improve’ myself. The result of that improvement meant I was able to leave the job I loved in order to do jobs I was now ‘qualified’ for. Subsequently I have spent the last 5 years doing jobs that, although useful, drain my soul and provide very few rewards apart from financial. And we all know what they say about money not being everything.

The last 5 years have certainly been interesting. I have been given opportunities to learn new skills, meet new people and gain new experiences. But without realising it I became used to doing without the things that really matter to me. When this realisation dawns you start to miss something you didn’t even notice you not longer had.

Human Beings are amazingly adaptable and we are surprisingly able to deal with the impermanence that underpins our life. For most of us things are constantly changing. These changes may be so small we don’t notice them or so big we think we will never adapt to our new way of living. When the ‘cuts’ hit us and we all tighten our belts we will miss the things we used to be able to afford and we will learn to do without them. When we are bereaved we learn to live with the loss of a loved one because, well, life goes on doesn’t it? People whose health fail get used to dealing with their sick bodies, people horribly injured in accidents even get used to living in bodies that are maimed and torn. We get used to making new friends and losing touch with old ones. We accept as normal that our lives move from one stage to another, from babyhood, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, old age and we face the challenges each stage provide, and we deal with the changes they bring. Question: What stage is the bit between 50 and 70? It can’t be claimed to be middle age, nor is it old age. It’s like a pre old age and is the time when we can start to be more giving, caring and, contradictorily, more selfish. It is a time when perhaps work has taken a back seat and the luxury of time can be enjoyed. For others it may be the stage of life when risks no longer carry the fears they used to and we develop a ‘nothing ventured nothing gained’ attitude. But it is the intangible changes that catch us unaware and are therefore the most shocking. How did I not notice that I was being starved of something precious?

Bring on the big changes. I can deal with them. They are subconsciously prepared for. I know my parents are likely to die before me. I know that my body will weaken and one day I will be old. Really old, not just 50 and feeling old. We all know that things like illness, bereavement, and heartbreak may be waiting for us. Its the price we pay for having vulnerable bodies and open hearts. We may lose our job, our identity and our mojo. To quote a cliche 'shit happens'. It may be a stereotypical observation but as time passes widows get used to laying the table for one less, or not shopping for their husbands favourite foods, widowers get used to finding their own matching socks and people who lose their jobs get used to, when they are wakened by a shrill alarm at 6am, not wearily having to turn over to put their alarms on snooze because they don’t have a job to rush off to anymore. People who are seriously ill get used to the limitations of their physical self, they can even be accepting of feeling sick, tired and helpless. Parents get used to the empty nest when their children leave home and many are getting used to a full nest again as their off spring return to the family home after years away at university or when their relationships break up. We get used to our bodies changing as they age, and even our opinions and beliefs can change as we become more experienced and interested in new ways of living or in thinking about things. We dream of positive changes, winning the lottery, getting the perfect job, having a book published, falling in love. Like I said bring it on.

Its the unexpected, undetected changes that are the most scary and damaging to the soul. Yesterday I was struck by a change so subtle that when I was reminded of how things used to be, and given a taste of the past, I felt quenched. Just like a plant left for days out in the hot, hot sun, until the earth around it becomes parched and dry, its roots constricted and dying, the leaves slowly drooping and the flowers fading and losing any vibrancy they once had. I was suddenly given relief in the drip, drip, drip of cool clear water that eventually became a waterfall. This is how I used to spend my days...these are the things I used to care about, enjoy discussing, crave learning more about. These are the thinkers and doers I want to spend time with. This is what makes me glow and flourish. This is what I am good at. Having spent 5 years away from what I love doing it was heaven to be back in that field and partaking in stuff that really matters. Any fears that I had about changing jobs vanished and I can look forward to the next few months exploring what I can do and deciding what I should be doing.

What brought about this 'awakening'? Something dramatic? Earth shattering? Of course not, it was just the sequence of events that made me feel I was on the road to my 'spiritual home'. It started, I think, with a series of events I organised which made me realise how much I miss working directly with children. I then visited my grandsons school on Friday to meet his Reception teacher and see his classroom ready for when he starts school in September. He is so lucky to be going to a school which is newly build, well resourced, with the outside space utilised and as important as the inside space, with the emphasis on exploration and freedom to learn, with staff that seem totally committed and child centered, with classrooms that were hives of activity and for me, pure delight that the children call their teachers by their first names and the staff are committed to, and celebrate the value of, 'family service' at meal times. It was like 'coming home'.

Then yesterday, at training for my new job, reviewing a DVD made by professionals and practitioners seriously committed to the social and emotional development of children, listening to their observations and suggestions was like the spark that made me realise. I have been in the desert for far too long.

Ali McClure the author of ‘Making It Better for Boys in Schools, Families and Communities’ was the guest speaker at the training and she is really very good. Not only does she know what she is talking about she shares her knowledge and expertise is a interesting and enjoyable manner and it was wonderful hearing about all the things I care about and believe in, hearing them discussed and valued by the team I will be working in and seeing the enthusiasm from all the practitioners that were part of the audience. It took me back to the enriching experiences I had in my earlier career and I am so looking forward to working in that type of environment again. It seems I had spent so much time contemplating the big changes in my life over the last 5 years that I didn’t notice the ones that have changed who I am and what I do. I do not kid myself that I can go back. That I can recapture the care free days of being useful and enjoying myself immensely. Not now I have 'bettered myself'. I have changed. I no longer seem to fit in to the role I used to have, and despite my tendency to romance about how it was, it would no longer be enough for me. But that does not mean I still can't be useful, just in a different way. I am going home yes, but to a different home. Who wants to live happily ever after? What does that mean? How does it look? For me it will be enough to, like the wise man Tony Adams, 'to try to live usefully and walk humbly'.