Still managing to stay away from Facebook even though I am now completely out of the loop and when I meet up with my friends they are all ahead of the game in terms of knowing what is going on with everyone and they feel it is a chore to have to fill me in on everything. I think they are doing it on purpose and, like the following comment on CIF from NoneToo Clever, a few people have been cross with me for escaping FBs clutches and are doing their best to entice me in again. It's like being a member of the Moonies. Once you are in you can never escape. If you try the other Facebookers will use any means available to them you make you relent. They will hunt you down and poke you until you return to their fold.
NoneTooClever:
Great. I 'committed Facebook suicide' a month back - it was the only New Years resolution I actually stuck to.Now I don't have to constantly check in to discover useless crap like how someone I once met briefly 'likes' the fact that someone I never even met 'likes' some band I've never heard of. What's more I've discovered that a couple of my Facebook 'friends' regarded my virtual exit as bad electronic manners. Now, back in the real world, I have more time to spend on CIF.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2011/jan/22/social-networking-cyber-scepticism-twitter
Someone came up to me the other day and asked in a hushed tone of voice if I was OK and if there had been a problem. This person wasn't even on my list of friends and had somehow noticed my FB demise. And it is still bloody annoying to be on a night out with people constantly taking photographs and updating their FB account. It is a desperate attempt to say to everyone 'Look at me! I AM OUT HAVING FUN!'. Shouldn't be allowed.
Facebook etiquette is something users have to get their heads around especially the photo rule:
Don't tag your friends in unflattering photos. Tagging photos of friends dressed in old 80s fashions and with bad perms can be funny, but tagging a picture of them taken last week with food between their teeth is not so funny. Don't post photos of non FB members. Ever. Unless it is a particularly good one in which they look hot and are dancing with someone who looks suspiciously like Brad Pitt.
Maybe it is because I haven't found my niche in the social networking world that I find it all rather sad and feel quite superior. I am not a yummy mummy who can join MumsNet nor am I comfortable with a site full of young people like FB. I have a Twitter but really can't be asked to Tweet or whatever it is you do on there. If there was a CynicBook I might sign up! At least the status update would be interesting.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Can I Have The Skin Please?
The other day my grandson was telling me what he had for school dinner and I asked him what he had for 'afters'. 'Cake and custard' he replied. 'I thought you didn't like custard' I said. 'Well I do now' he told me 'but I don't like the skin'. Which reminded me of the school dinner times when 'Can I have the skin please' was heard several times a week. If I ever write a book about my years working in a primary school 'Can I Have The Skin Please' will be on my list of possible book titles.
Last week saw the end of a fairly long running dispute between a school and one of its employees. Carol Hill was sacked after reporting an incident of bullying to the victims parents.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/law/2011/jan/06/school-dinner-lady-unfairly-sacked
The headteacher strongly denies the incident was bullying but rather a game that got out of hand. The school's head, Deborah Crabb, said four boys involved had explained that they were playing a game called "prisoners and guards". The incident was not bullying but an "inappropriate game" which went too far, she argued during the three-day hearing.
'Prisoners and Guards' is a new one on me. Cops and Robbers, Batman and Robin, Doctors and Nurses, and in fact any game involving special powers are the main staples of playgrounds up and down the country. But 'prisoner and guards'? What next? 'torturers and tortured'? I am not suggesting that there is any hint of torture in a prison guards job description but the use of a rope and rails (and lookouts posted) suggests that these young boys were interested in exerting power. Headteachers are under a lot of pressure to deal with incidents of bullying and quite rightly so. But because a school is judged on the number of bullying incidents it reports some bullying incidents are in danger of being attributed to normal playground high jinks.
I hate it when any and every incident is described as bullying but the parents of this young girl were entitled to be told the truth. Even it the truth was her injuries were the result of a game that got out of hand. Instead Ms Crabb sent a letter to the girl's parents saying: "You may wish to know [the girl] had a minor accident today. She was hurt on the right leg and right wrist with a skipping rope." Not a good move. A game that got out of hand is not an accident. As a parent I would mistrust this woman immediately.
Yet Mrs Hill in my opinion fares no better. No offence to Mrs Hill but she comes across as the typical 'old school' dinner lady. Someone who thinks they know better than some upstart of a headteacher. Mrs Hill wants her job back which indicates she has a pretty thick skin, also common among old school dinner ladies.
A joint statement from the county council and Great Tey Primary School said: “It is completely inaccurate to suggest that Mrs Hill has won her claim for unfair dismissal.
'Furthermore there has been no judgement on the fairness, or not, of the dismissal and the tribunal makes it clear there is need for further representation from both counsels to decide this point. “On a number of critical points the employment tribunal ruling has found against Mrs Hill including that she was not acting in good faith when speaking to the press and did so for the purpose of personal gain. “The claimant’s predominant motive was self-interest and to a lesser extent antagonism towards Mrs Crabb. “The tribunal also ruled that disclosures were not protected under the Employment Rights Act therefore she was not acting as a whistleblower. The council and school will now be considering all the options before making any further decisions or announcements.”
It would seem that both Mrs Hill and Ms Crabb are victims of bureaucracy. But Ms Crabb - as the headteacher and person in authority and thus someone who could have handled the situation in a way that would have not escalated the situation - you could do better!
In these days of cut it is interesting to see that a Labour council are going ahead with their election promise of free school meals for every child, regardless of need.
http://www.southwarklabour.co.uk/labour-pledge-free-school-meals
http://www.progressonline.org.uk/articles/article.asp?a=5400
Critics have said that this policy will only benefit middle class families. But advocates of the scheme say that it will benefit the poorest families by removing the stigma attached to receiving free school meals. The concern for me is which services will be cut in order to pay for this? Meals of Wheels? Nursery Provision? After School Clubs? The money has to come from somewhere and given the most needy already receive free school meals you have to wonder how this benefits the poorest families. Because it is they, and not the middle classes, who will be the ones who will feel the knock on effect of robbing Peter to pay Paul. But - it is nice to see an election promise being kept!
Last week saw the end of a fairly long running dispute between a school and one of its employees. Carol Hill was sacked after reporting an incident of bullying to the victims parents.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/law/2011/jan/06/school-dinner-lady-unfairly-sacked
The headteacher strongly denies the incident was bullying but rather a game that got out of hand. The school's head, Deborah Crabb, said four boys involved had explained that they were playing a game called "prisoners and guards". The incident was not bullying but an "inappropriate game" which went too far, she argued during the three-day hearing.
'Prisoners and Guards' is a new one on me. Cops and Robbers, Batman and Robin, Doctors and Nurses, and in fact any game involving special powers are the main staples of playgrounds up and down the country. But 'prisoner and guards'? What next? 'torturers and tortured'? I am not suggesting that there is any hint of torture in a prison guards job description but the use of a rope and rails (and lookouts posted) suggests that these young boys were interested in exerting power. Headteachers are under a lot of pressure to deal with incidents of bullying and quite rightly so. But because a school is judged on the number of bullying incidents it reports some bullying incidents are in danger of being attributed to normal playground high jinks.
I hate it when any and every incident is described as bullying but the parents of this young girl were entitled to be told the truth. Even it the truth was her injuries were the result of a game that got out of hand. Instead Ms Crabb sent a letter to the girl's parents saying: "You may wish to know [the girl] had a minor accident today. She was hurt on the right leg and right wrist with a skipping rope." Not a good move. A game that got out of hand is not an accident. As a parent I would mistrust this woman immediately.
Yet Mrs Hill in my opinion fares no better. No offence to Mrs Hill but she comes across as the typical 'old school' dinner lady. Someone who thinks they know better than some upstart of a headteacher. Mrs Hill wants her job back which indicates she has a pretty thick skin, also common among old school dinner ladies.
A joint statement from the county council and Great Tey Primary School said: “It is completely inaccurate to suggest that Mrs Hill has won her claim for unfair dismissal.
'Furthermore there has been no judgement on the fairness, or not, of the dismissal and the tribunal makes it clear there is need for further representation from both counsels to decide this point. “On a number of critical points the employment tribunal ruling has found against Mrs Hill including that she was not acting in good faith when speaking to the press and did so for the purpose of personal gain. “The claimant’s predominant motive was self-interest and to a lesser extent antagonism towards Mrs Crabb. “The tribunal also ruled that disclosures were not protected under the Employment Rights Act therefore she was not acting as a whistleblower. The council and school will now be considering all the options before making any further decisions or announcements.”
It would seem that both Mrs Hill and Ms Crabb are victims of bureaucracy. But Ms Crabb - as the headteacher and person in authority and thus someone who could have handled the situation in a way that would have not escalated the situation - you could do better!
In these days of cut it is interesting to see that a Labour council are going ahead with their election promise of free school meals for every child, regardless of need.
http://www.southwarklabour.co.uk/labour-pledge-free-school-meals
http://www.progressonline.org.uk/articles/article.asp?a=5400
Critics have said that this policy will only benefit middle class families. But advocates of the scheme say that it will benefit the poorest families by removing the stigma attached to receiving free school meals. The concern for me is which services will be cut in order to pay for this? Meals of Wheels? Nursery Provision? After School Clubs? The money has to come from somewhere and given the most needy already receive free school meals you have to wonder how this benefits the poorest families. Because it is they, and not the middle classes, who will be the ones who will feel the knock on effect of robbing Peter to pay Paul. But - it is nice to see an election promise being kept!
A Granny Blog
Everyone needs to have access both to grandparents and grandchildren in order to be a full human being. - Margaret Mead
Driving home yesterday with my grandson we had a conversation about all his virtues.
'You are a kind boy' I said in response to him describing how, if he ever stumbled across a lost baby goose, how gently he would treat it, despite the grown ones we feed being very aggressive and scary. We had just seen a flock of Canadian Geese fly across the park.
'And I am a good sharer' he went on.
'Yes, I'd noticed that' I said.
'And I am a good com-pee-anier' he finished.
'What is a com-pee-anier? I asked.
'You know, I keep people company. It makes me tired sometimes though'.
Oh, to be in such demand. He is absolutely right. He is very good company which explains why his grandparents are all keen to have him overnight. And I am sure we do wear him out sometimes with our endless kisses, questions and chatter.
Yet however demanding we are grandparents are incredibly important in the family structure. One advantage grandparents can provide is financial, occasionally helping out until payday or contributing to big purchase. The giving of our time is also an invaluable resource. But it is what is called a 'special bond' between grandparent and grandchild that is enduring and unconditional.
http://www.grandparentstoday.com/resources/articles/important.php
http://www.montana.edu/wwwhd/ncp_grant/ppt/The_Importance_of_Grandparents_in_the_Lives_of.htmGrandparenting
Global Grandparents:
Grandparents Vital in African-American Families
Teaching, Caregiving and Providing Are Among the Roles They Fill
By Susan Adcox
Roles in African-American Families
African-American grandchildren are likely to say that their grandparents hold positions of authority, that they are involved in discipline, that they provide financial assistance and often act as parents. The grandchildren are also likely to see accepting a grandparent's guidance as part of their duty as grandchildren. Research shows that African-American grandparents often see themselves as teachers, and that the lessons they transmit often concern manners, values, morals and religion. Often grandparents reside in the same household as their grandchildren, and the number of grandchildren being raised by grandparents or even great-grandparents is higher in this group than in any other major racial or ethnic group.
The high instance of grandparents as care givers is likely to be linked to the cost of child care and housing. Without wanting to generalise it is possible that the current generation of African American grandparents and great grandparents were most likely to have been employed in lower paid jobs and so are not giving up high paid careers to care for their grandchildren.
Grandparents Important in Hispanic Family Structure
Latino Grandchildren Revere Their Abuelos and Abuelas
By Susan Adcox
Grandparent Roles in Hispanic Families
Hispanic grandparents tend to play traditional roles. The glamorous granny and globetrotting grandfather are rare in this culture. One researcher has found that Mexican-Americans view themselves as "old" at age 60, earlier than black Americans (65) and non-Hispanic whites (70). Paradoxically, in spite of viewing themselves as old, Hispanics in America live longer than the other two groups. At least one doctor believes that family solidarity is a causative factor. "The sense of family is what saves Latinos," says René RodrÃguez, president of the Interamerican College of Physicians and Surgeons. "Solid family ties are essential for preserving health. When someone of Hispanic origin gets sick, the whole family shows up worried at the clinic or hospital. This support, this solidarity, is an essential part of Latino life."
Research shows that Hispanic grandparents believe that they are important in the lives of their grandchildren; that they should be ready to raise their grandchildren if necessary; that they should help out in times of crisis; that they can and should have input into decisions made about their grandchildren. Grandparents also see themselves as emissaries of religion, the Spanish language and Hispanic culture in general, but this role is emphasized less as Hispanics become more acculturated.
The closeness of Hispanic families isn't without stresses. Grandparents may worry excessively about family problems or may feel that they must be the peacemakers when rifts occur. One study suggests that grandparents often give more assistance than they receive. Children and grandchildren are often busy with work and school and thus unable to devote much time to the grandparents' needs.
Old at sixty? Whatever happened to being as young as you feel? I have friends that dread becoming grandparents. Some insist their future grandchildren will call then by their first names. I smile knowingly and keep quiet. But I do admit to a rush of pleasure when people find out I'm a grandmother and express surprise. Even when I know they are only being polite!
Indian Grandparents
M. Hemdev
Grandparents act as shock absorbers, which cushion the aftershocks and they also act as bouncing boards, which help to ricochet a range of emotions. The different roles they play only serve to emphasize their vital link in the family. With a wealth of old world experience behind them, and having the unique ability of being able to metamorphose from advisers and listeners to mediators and friends, they can offer support and stability. The underlying sense of responsibility that goes with this is tremendous. The role of grandparents in children’s lives is varied. It is imperial at times, muted at others and goes underground whenever required but all the time solid and absolutely dependable. They are constantly performing artistes who do the balancing act all the time between their adult children and their grandchildren.
Grandparents often bridge the gap between parents and their children. Rebellious independent children who are trying to find their feet are almost always at loggerheads with their parents. The role of the grandparents can be very important provided they act as impartial judges and are able to convey this feeling to both parties. Grandchildren prefer to listen to the grandparents rather than the parents with whom they are unfortunately involved in everyday tussles. The sense of objectivity and the absence of bias lend a sense of credibility to their roles as mediators. Honestly done, this goes a long way in lulling both the parties into a sense of arbitration. Gulfs widen, but at the same time bridges are also built.
One important thing, which seems to be missing in the lives of children today, is the sense of family, values, religious beliefs and principles. This is where the grandparents step in. Inculcating beliefs and values is not as easy as it was 50-60 years ago. No questions were asked and there was an implicit sense of belief. With changing times and changing outlooks, children have started to question the authenticity of everything. They do not believe until they are convinced,. Globalization has eroded the sense of belonging and identity with their roots, and science and technology has them questioning everything. The parents who are already fighting constantly with time are perhaps not in a position to inculcate these values. Children are very demanding, and grandparents without appearing to be pushy have all the time and experience to deal with tantrums. They appease, soothe, and impart values with tremendous ease. The grandparents being on the periphery and still being central can perform this role to perfection. There can be no gainsaying the fact that their role is as important as the role of parents. Their timeless experience, their patience and their ability to create a non-compulsive learning environment is something that even parents have learnt to rely on. This means that the role of grandparents in children upbringing can never really be relegated to the background.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandparent
Sue Adcox also wrote the following artice:
Studying Grandparenting Styles, Past and Future
What Kind of Grandparent Are You?
http://grandparents.about.com/od/growingintoyournewrole/a/GrandparentingStyles.htm
As for a com-pee-anier I can't think of anyone better.
Driving home yesterday with my grandson we had a conversation about all his virtues.
'You are a kind boy' I said in response to him describing how, if he ever stumbled across a lost baby goose, how gently he would treat it, despite the grown ones we feed being very aggressive and scary. We had just seen a flock of Canadian Geese fly across the park.
'And I am a good sharer' he went on.
'Yes, I'd noticed that' I said.
'And I am a good com-pee-anier' he finished.
'What is a com-pee-anier? I asked.
'You know, I keep people company. It makes me tired sometimes though'.
Oh, to be in such demand. He is absolutely right. He is very good company which explains why his grandparents are all keen to have him overnight. And I am sure we do wear him out sometimes with our endless kisses, questions and chatter.
Yet however demanding we are grandparents are incredibly important in the family structure. One advantage grandparents can provide is financial, occasionally helping out until payday or contributing to big purchase. The giving of our time is also an invaluable resource. But it is what is called a 'special bond' between grandparent and grandchild that is enduring and unconditional.
http://www.grandparentstoday.com/resources/articles/important.php
http://www.montana.edu/wwwhd/ncp_grant/ppt/The_Importance_of_Grandparents_in_the_Lives_of.htmGrandparenting
Global Grandparents:
Grandparents Vital in African-American Families
Teaching, Caregiving and Providing Are Among the Roles They Fill
By Susan Adcox
Roles in African-American Families
African-American grandchildren are likely to say that their grandparents hold positions of authority, that they are involved in discipline, that they provide financial assistance and often act as parents. The grandchildren are also likely to see accepting a grandparent's guidance as part of their duty as grandchildren. Research shows that African-American grandparents often see themselves as teachers, and that the lessons they transmit often concern manners, values, morals and religion. Often grandparents reside in the same household as their grandchildren, and the number of grandchildren being raised by grandparents or even great-grandparents is higher in this group than in any other major racial or ethnic group.
The high instance of grandparents as care givers is likely to be linked to the cost of child care and housing. Without wanting to generalise it is possible that the current generation of African American grandparents and great grandparents were most likely to have been employed in lower paid jobs and so are not giving up high paid careers to care for their grandchildren.
Grandparents Important in Hispanic Family Structure
Latino Grandchildren Revere Their Abuelos and Abuelas
By Susan Adcox
Grandparent Roles in Hispanic Families
Hispanic grandparents tend to play traditional roles. The glamorous granny and globetrotting grandfather are rare in this culture. One researcher has found that Mexican-Americans view themselves as "old" at age 60, earlier than black Americans (65) and non-Hispanic whites (70). Paradoxically, in spite of viewing themselves as old, Hispanics in America live longer than the other two groups. At least one doctor believes that family solidarity is a causative factor. "The sense of family is what saves Latinos," says René RodrÃguez, president of the Interamerican College of Physicians and Surgeons. "Solid family ties are essential for preserving health. When someone of Hispanic origin gets sick, the whole family shows up worried at the clinic or hospital. This support, this solidarity, is an essential part of Latino life."
Research shows that Hispanic grandparents believe that they are important in the lives of their grandchildren; that they should be ready to raise their grandchildren if necessary; that they should help out in times of crisis; that they can and should have input into decisions made about their grandchildren. Grandparents also see themselves as emissaries of religion, the Spanish language and Hispanic culture in general, but this role is emphasized less as Hispanics become more acculturated.
The closeness of Hispanic families isn't without stresses. Grandparents may worry excessively about family problems or may feel that they must be the peacemakers when rifts occur. One study suggests that grandparents often give more assistance than they receive. Children and grandchildren are often busy with work and school and thus unable to devote much time to the grandparents' needs.
Old at sixty? Whatever happened to being as young as you feel? I have friends that dread becoming grandparents. Some insist their future grandchildren will call then by their first names. I smile knowingly and keep quiet. But I do admit to a rush of pleasure when people find out I'm a grandmother and express surprise. Even when I know they are only being polite!
Indian Grandparents
M. Hemdev
Grandparents act as shock absorbers, which cushion the aftershocks and they also act as bouncing boards, which help to ricochet a range of emotions. The different roles they play only serve to emphasize their vital link in the family. With a wealth of old world experience behind them, and having the unique ability of being able to metamorphose from advisers and listeners to mediators and friends, they can offer support and stability. The underlying sense of responsibility that goes with this is tremendous. The role of grandparents in children’s lives is varied. It is imperial at times, muted at others and goes underground whenever required but all the time solid and absolutely dependable. They are constantly performing artistes who do the balancing act all the time between their adult children and their grandchildren.
Grandparents often bridge the gap between parents and their children. Rebellious independent children who are trying to find their feet are almost always at loggerheads with their parents. The role of the grandparents can be very important provided they act as impartial judges and are able to convey this feeling to both parties. Grandchildren prefer to listen to the grandparents rather than the parents with whom they are unfortunately involved in everyday tussles. The sense of objectivity and the absence of bias lend a sense of credibility to their roles as mediators. Honestly done, this goes a long way in lulling both the parties into a sense of arbitration. Gulfs widen, but at the same time bridges are also built.
One important thing, which seems to be missing in the lives of children today, is the sense of family, values, religious beliefs and principles. This is where the grandparents step in. Inculcating beliefs and values is not as easy as it was 50-60 years ago. No questions were asked and there was an implicit sense of belief. With changing times and changing outlooks, children have started to question the authenticity of everything. They do not believe until they are convinced,. Globalization has eroded the sense of belonging and identity with their roots, and science and technology has them questioning everything. The parents who are already fighting constantly with time are perhaps not in a position to inculcate these values. Children are very demanding, and grandparents without appearing to be pushy have all the time and experience to deal with tantrums. They appease, soothe, and impart values with tremendous ease. The grandparents being on the periphery and still being central can perform this role to perfection. There can be no gainsaying the fact that their role is as important as the role of parents. Their timeless experience, their patience and their ability to create a non-compulsive learning environment is something that even parents have learnt to rely on. This means that the role of grandparents in children upbringing can never really be relegated to the background.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandparent
Sue Adcox also wrote the following artice:
Studying Grandparenting Styles, Past and Future
What Kind of Grandparent Are You?
http://grandparents.about.com/od/growingintoyournewrole/a/GrandparentingStyles.htm
As for a com-pee-anier I can't think of anyone better.
Friday, 21 January 2011
Don't Look Back In Anger
According to recent research those in their 50s are happier than any other age group. Just think I have 9 more years of bliss. Then what?
http://www.newstalk.ie/2011/news/2over-50s-are-happiest-says-survey74/
The 50s, certainly for me, is an age of increasing self knowledge.
Spending more time with my parents had led to me remembering more about my childhood and finding out little snippets that fill in gaps and explain why I am as I am.
My poor mum did her best. And in the language of social workers her care was' good enough'. Yet today, during training about giving babies and young children self care skills, I realised that there was very little about my early years that was 'normal'. Apart from the emotional and physical abuse mum didn't really bother with the other mothering duties, like weaning and toilet training. I ate tinned baby food until I was about 7 (unless I was at my grandparents) I slept in the same bed as mum until I was about 10 (she replaced me with my sister who ended up sharing a bed with mum until her teens!) My sister still had a bottle until she was at least 6 or 7. I found out over lunch with my parents last week that mum didn't bother with potty training either. Mum put me in a nursery when I was about 3 or so and the staff there eventually got me out of nappies. I was a clingy, whiny and tearful child and when mum talks about my baby and toddler hood she puts the blame, not on her poor parenting skills, but on me. I was a difficult baby. Everything I did was designed to cause her problems. Life would be so much better if I wasn't around.
Child abuse is more than bruises or broken bones. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is serious emotional harm.
Her words hurt much more than the slaps. But the slaps were so much worse than a smack. So how come I am only slightly fucked up?
Factors Affecting the Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect
Not all abused and neglected children will experience long-term consequences. Outcomes of individual cases vary widely and are affected by a combination of factors, including:
The child's age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of abuse (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of abuse
The relationship between the victim and his or her abuser (English et al., 2005; Chalk, Gibbons, & Scarupa, 2002)
Researchers also have begun to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is sometimes referred to as "resilience." A number of protective and promotive factors may contribute to an abused or neglected child's resilience. These include individual characteristics, such as optimism, self-esteem, intelligence, creativity, humor, and independence, as well as the acceptance of peers and positive individual influences such as teachers, mentors, and role models. Other factors can include the child's social environment and the family's access to social supports. Community well-being, including neighborhood stability and access to safe schools and adequate health care, are other protective and promotive factors (Fraser & Terzian, 2005).
Effects of child abuse and neglect
All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:
It can lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.
Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings.
Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more.
Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways.
Thank God I had my wonderful grandfather. His love made up for all that was lacking at home and he relished his role as grandparent. Which is something else that is wonderful about being in your 50s. Grandchilden. Bringers of Joy.
http://www.newstalk.ie/2011/news/2over-50s-are-happiest-says-survey74/
The 50s, certainly for me, is an age of increasing self knowledge.
Spending more time with my parents had led to me remembering more about my childhood and finding out little snippets that fill in gaps and explain why I am as I am.
My poor mum did her best. And in the language of social workers her care was' good enough'. Yet today, during training about giving babies and young children self care skills, I realised that there was very little about my early years that was 'normal'. Apart from the emotional and physical abuse mum didn't really bother with the other mothering duties, like weaning and toilet training. I ate tinned baby food until I was about 7 (unless I was at my grandparents) I slept in the same bed as mum until I was about 10 (she replaced me with my sister who ended up sharing a bed with mum until her teens!) My sister still had a bottle until she was at least 6 or 7. I found out over lunch with my parents last week that mum didn't bother with potty training either. Mum put me in a nursery when I was about 3 or so and the staff there eventually got me out of nappies. I was a clingy, whiny and tearful child and when mum talks about my baby and toddler hood she puts the blame, not on her poor parenting skills, but on me. I was a difficult baby. Everything I did was designed to cause her problems. Life would be so much better if I wasn't around.
Child abuse is more than bruises or broken bones. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is serious emotional harm.
Her words hurt much more than the slaps. But the slaps were so much worse than a smack. So how come I am only slightly fucked up?
Factors Affecting the Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect
Not all abused and neglected children will experience long-term consequences. Outcomes of individual cases vary widely and are affected by a combination of factors, including:
The child's age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of abuse (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of abuse
The relationship between the victim and his or her abuser (English et al., 2005; Chalk, Gibbons, & Scarupa, 2002)
Researchers also have begun to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is sometimes referred to as "resilience." A number of protective and promotive factors may contribute to an abused or neglected child's resilience. These include individual characteristics, such as optimism, self-esteem, intelligence, creativity, humor, and independence, as well as the acceptance of peers and positive individual influences such as teachers, mentors, and role models. Other factors can include the child's social environment and the family's access to social supports. Community well-being, including neighborhood stability and access to safe schools and adequate health care, are other protective and promotive factors (Fraser & Terzian, 2005).
Effects of child abuse and neglect
All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:
It can lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.
Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings.
Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more.
Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways.
Thank God I had my wonderful grandfather. His love made up for all that was lacking at home and he relished his role as grandparent. Which is something else that is wonderful about being in your 50s. Grandchilden. Bringers of Joy.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Mars, Old Fashioned Knees Ups and Tragedy
Bruno Mars has been sitting on the edge of my consciousness for a while now due to 'Just The Way You Are' and, now with his excellent new single 'Grenade', this young Hawaiian singer songwriter has really caught my attention. Isn't it great when you come across an artist you had never listened to before and find that when you do you really enjoy the music they create?
He looks like an Asian version of Cliff Richards as Cliff looked in 'Summer Holiday'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR6iYWJxHqs&feature=channelhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Mars
He is so cute!
I've spent the evening listening to Dance Music. As in disco dance, not techno or house or garage. Why? Dance music isn't really 'listen to' music. The clue is in the name init?
Each guest to a party I am going to next week has been asked to put together some of their favourite dance music. It's been a long time since I have boogied but I immediately came up with the following 3 and, yes, they show my age but when I hear them and start to move to them - well - then I am transported to some dance floor down the Old Kent Road.
Jocelyn Brown and 'Somebody Else's Guy' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdGNeC2G1AU
Odyssey and 'Native New Yorker' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9M6gXIqlfI
To end the evening this would bring the house down - Chaka Khan's 'I'm Every Woman'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8xuUdI1an0&feature=related
Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line?
Inspired by a dislike of dinner parties and the desire for relaxed 'get togethers' some of my friends and I have decided to have old fashioned parties. The sort of parties where you bring a bottle, push the furniture back, roll up carpets, sit on the stairs, dance in the hallway and chat in the kitchen. Similar I suppose to a birthday party held in 1981 at a house in New Cross, South London. This week saw the 30th anniversary of the horrific fire that killed 13 teenagers who were at the party and, belatedly, a memorial has been placed at the scene of the fire. At the time the cause of the fire was thought to have been racially motivated and some still think this is the case. Duscus Howe, writing this week in the Guardian, reports that a witness statement claims that a white man was seen throwing a petrol bomb into the house. However, a survivor of the fire, talking on the news this week rejects this version explaining that a white man, throwing a petrol bomb would have been seen by him and the many people sitting outside the house that night. Whatever the reason for the fire the aftermath was certainly racist. Listening to the reactions of the government, the police and the press is both shocking and sickening. I was going to say that times have changed but now I am not so sure having read some of the comments on CIF following Howe's article.
Benjamin Zephaniah's wrote this poem about the tragic event - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r3EnIBO-_c
Those poor children and their poor families.
Re the thread - Michael Rosen has a lot to say (and has even had a comment removed by the moderator) and there is an exchange between him and a policeman called 'Pilotchute'. At the risk of being 'policist' - Pilotchute writes well and with humour. A copper with brains and wit? Surely not!
'Joanevelyn' echoes my thoughts:
I was around at the time - and I living not far away in Southwark - and I remember first and foremost the sheer horror of the event; I was still young enough to remember parties like that, and to empathise with the terror when the fire broke out. The people who died were all just kids. At the time it was obvious to any reasonably sensitive human being that the popular press would have reported it quite differently if the party-goers had been white youngsters - and those early news reports undoubtedly influenced the reaction - or lack of reaction - from politicians. Some journalists of the time seem to take a view governed by racial stereotyping, i.e. Black Youths + Loud Music + Party Mood = Illegal Drugs and Violence etc. - therefore whatever happened is all the victims' own fault. The way the press handled it has left the same kind of bitterness among black Londoners as was experienced by the people of Liverpool in the wake of the Hillsborough disaster in 1989 - when 96 people were crushed to death at a football match - and the Sun newspaper chose to insult the dead and injured by putting the blame for the whole event on the victims. In fairness not all the newsmedia were guilty - the coverage on the BBC I recall seemed to be much more sympathetic and sensible. But however poor and racially prejudiced the original police investigation was, I think it unfair to tar the 2004 inquest with the same brush; I believe it was a genuine attempt to clear things up. .But with all the best will in the world, a lack of evidence available makes it unlikely that we will ever be 100% certain whether it was arson/murder or plain accident. It has to remain in the limbo of uncertainty. Unless of course someone comes forward to confess that they started it deliberately - or perhaps that their own carelessness with a cigarette or candle or whatever may have accidently ignited it. And who is likely to confess to being responsible for the death of 13 young people, even by accident? So could we just express our deepest sympathies to those who lost family or friends on that dreadful night, and stop the futile argument for a moment's silence?
Joanevelyn's comment has only received 8 recommendations.
He looks like an Asian version of Cliff Richards as Cliff looked in 'Summer Holiday'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR6iYWJxHqs&feature=channelhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Mars
He is so cute!
I've spent the evening listening to Dance Music. As in disco dance, not techno or house or garage. Why? Dance music isn't really 'listen to' music. The clue is in the name init?
Each guest to a party I am going to next week has been asked to put together some of their favourite dance music. It's been a long time since I have boogied but I immediately came up with the following 3 and, yes, they show my age but when I hear them and start to move to them - well - then I am transported to some dance floor down the Old Kent Road.
Jocelyn Brown and 'Somebody Else's Guy' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdGNeC2G1AU
Odyssey and 'Native New Yorker' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9M6gXIqlfI
To end the evening this would bring the house down - Chaka Khan's 'I'm Every Woman'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8xuUdI1an0&feature=related
Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line?
Inspired by a dislike of dinner parties and the desire for relaxed 'get togethers' some of my friends and I have decided to have old fashioned parties. The sort of parties where you bring a bottle, push the furniture back, roll up carpets, sit on the stairs, dance in the hallway and chat in the kitchen. Similar I suppose to a birthday party held in 1981 at a house in New Cross, South London. This week saw the 30th anniversary of the horrific fire that killed 13 teenagers who were at the party and, belatedly, a memorial has been placed at the scene of the fire. At the time the cause of the fire was thought to have been racially motivated and some still think this is the case. Duscus Howe, writing this week in the Guardian, reports that a witness statement claims that a white man was seen throwing a petrol bomb into the house. However, a survivor of the fire, talking on the news this week rejects this version explaining that a white man, throwing a petrol bomb would have been seen by him and the many people sitting outside the house that night. Whatever the reason for the fire the aftermath was certainly racist. Listening to the reactions of the government, the police and the press is both shocking and sickening. I was going to say that times have changed but now I am not so sure having read some of the comments on CIF following Howe's article.
Benjamin Zephaniah's wrote this poem about the tragic event - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r3EnIBO-_c
Those poor children and their poor families.
Re the thread - Michael Rosen has a lot to say (and has even had a comment removed by the moderator) and there is an exchange between him and a policeman called 'Pilotchute'. At the risk of being 'policist' - Pilotchute writes well and with humour. A copper with brains and wit? Surely not!
'Joanevelyn' echoes my thoughts:
I was around at the time - and I living not far away in Southwark - and I remember first and foremost the sheer horror of the event; I was still young enough to remember parties like that, and to empathise with the terror when the fire broke out. The people who died were all just kids. At the time it was obvious to any reasonably sensitive human being that the popular press would have reported it quite differently if the party-goers had been white youngsters - and those early news reports undoubtedly influenced the reaction - or lack of reaction - from politicians. Some journalists of the time seem to take a view governed by racial stereotyping, i.e. Black Youths + Loud Music + Party Mood = Illegal Drugs and Violence etc. - therefore whatever happened is all the victims' own fault. The way the press handled it has left the same kind of bitterness among black Londoners as was experienced by the people of Liverpool in the wake of the Hillsborough disaster in 1989 - when 96 people were crushed to death at a football match - and the Sun newspaper chose to insult the dead and injured by putting the blame for the whole event on the victims. In fairness not all the newsmedia were guilty - the coverage on the BBC I recall seemed to be much more sympathetic and sensible. But however poor and racially prejudiced the original police investigation was, I think it unfair to tar the 2004 inquest with the same brush; I believe it was a genuine attempt to clear things up. .But with all the best will in the world, a lack of evidence available makes it unlikely that we will ever be 100% certain whether it was arson/murder or plain accident. It has to remain in the limbo of uncertainty. Unless of course someone comes forward to confess that they started it deliberately - or perhaps that their own carelessness with a cigarette or candle or whatever may have accidently ignited it. And who is likely to confess to being responsible for the death of 13 young people, even by accident? So could we just express our deepest sympathies to those who lost family or friends on that dreadful night, and stop the futile argument for a moment's silence?
Joanevelyn's comment has only received 8 recommendations.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
A to Z of Roads, Life & Zen
Lots of my time is spent driving to places I have never visited before. So far I have resisted the urge to get a Sat Nav preferring to rely instead of my sense of (improving) direction and my trusty A to Z. Before I set off on my journey I will have consulted my A to Z or a map and then off I go. So far I have managed to find every one of my destinations. As I set off in the morning, depending on where I am heading, several routes will form in my mind. Sometimes admittedly, like this morning, I forget where I am headed and take the wrong route, but most of the time I can rely on my mind map.
Apart from taking the wrong road this morning today has been great. It is not that often a day goes so well. At the first meeting the child we were discussing has come on in leaps and bounds. His mother cried tears of joy, a stark contrast to our first meeting 6 months ago, not long after her son was diagnosed with Autism, when she was still reeling from the news and crying tears of shock, sorrow and grief. My next meeting also went well. Everyone was on board with the plan I proposed and I was given excellent feedback. The afternoon was spend with colleagues I haven't seen for a while and it was great to catch up, particularly as things at work are so dire at the moment with the threat of redundancies hanging over us. Rumour has it 25% of us will be losing our jobs. After all the upheaval of teams being decimated and reformed we learn that not enough money was saved so jobs will have to go. Still at least Mr Diamond will get his bonus. Believe me a man that unattractive needs a big bank balance.
Getting back to Sat Navs - will the continual use of Sat Navs cause us humans to lose our sense of direction? Ratty investigates:
The Ecologist website says - Post-modern homo-sapiens expect instant gratification. We buy automated pet-food dispensers (where do I get one of those?) and ready-peeled potatoes. It is hardly surprising that satellite navigation (sat-nav) systems are so popular. There are more than 14 million users in the UK: half of all drivers. But far from empowering, this so-called advance is starting to disconnect and de-skill people. We urgently need to regain our sense of place, and claim back the talents which our society has lost.
Read more at - http://www.theecologist.org/green_green_living/out_and_about/361029/where_am_i_the_world_beyond_satnavs.html
Just as I thought.
The Mail have been running a series of articles about a 'magical' (their word) new book 'The Alphabet of the Human Heart' by Matthew Johnson and James Kerr http://www.alphaheart.com/ . This promises to be the 'A to Zen of Life.'
Some of the feelings they say will ruin our lives (and yes, they run from A to Z);
Boredom
Jealousy
Negativity
Liar
I am hoping the Mail and not the authors list these as feelings. The headline also describe them as 'Toxic Emotions'. Ahem.
On a brighter note today they published a section called the 'Alphabet of Joy' again listing joyous feelings for A to Z. Included in 'Joy' was the following:
Balance
Imagination
Friendship
Meditation.
'Z', in both Toxic and Joy is....wait for it....Zen.
'Toxic Zen' is described as;
Zen is a state of being. Of Silence. Peacefulness. Mindfulness. Balance. Your being and your life will be in Balance.Live right and everything will be in Balance. Sit in Stillness and Silence. Turn your eye inward.
'Joy Zen' is described as:
You may recognise Zen from yesterdays Alphabet of Toxic Emotions. That is because it is were the negative meets the positive. It's a neutral state of being. Of Silence. Peacefulness. Mindfulness. Balance. Your being and your life will be in Balance.Live right and everything will be in Balance. Sit in Stillness and Silence. Turn your eye inward.
Eh? What a load of bollocks.
Messirs Johnson and Kerr are either rehashing something that has been written about a thousand times in a lazy manner or the Mails features writer has cut and pasted indiscriminately!
Money for old rope!
Apart from taking the wrong road this morning today has been great. It is not that often a day goes so well. At the first meeting the child we were discussing has come on in leaps and bounds. His mother cried tears of joy, a stark contrast to our first meeting 6 months ago, not long after her son was diagnosed with Autism, when she was still reeling from the news and crying tears of shock, sorrow and grief. My next meeting also went well. Everyone was on board with the plan I proposed and I was given excellent feedback. The afternoon was spend with colleagues I haven't seen for a while and it was great to catch up, particularly as things at work are so dire at the moment with the threat of redundancies hanging over us. Rumour has it 25% of us will be losing our jobs. After all the upheaval of teams being decimated and reformed we learn that not enough money was saved so jobs will have to go. Still at least Mr Diamond will get his bonus. Believe me a man that unattractive needs a big bank balance.
Getting back to Sat Navs - will the continual use of Sat Navs cause us humans to lose our sense of direction? Ratty investigates:
The Ecologist website says - Post-modern homo-sapiens expect instant gratification. We buy automated pet-food dispensers (where do I get one of those?) and ready-peeled potatoes. It is hardly surprising that satellite navigation (sat-nav) systems are so popular. There are more than 14 million users in the UK: half of all drivers. But far from empowering, this so-called advance is starting to disconnect and de-skill people. We urgently need to regain our sense of place, and claim back the talents which our society has lost.
Read more at - http://www.theecologist.org/green_green_living/out_and_about/361029/where_am_i_the_world_beyond_satnavs.html
Just as I thought.
The Mail have been running a series of articles about a 'magical' (their word) new book 'The Alphabet of the Human Heart' by Matthew Johnson and James Kerr http://www.alphaheart.com/ . This promises to be the 'A to Zen of Life.'
Some of the feelings they say will ruin our lives (and yes, they run from A to Z);
Boredom
Jealousy
Negativity
Liar
I am hoping the Mail and not the authors list these as feelings. The headline also describe them as 'Toxic Emotions'. Ahem.
On a brighter note today they published a section called the 'Alphabet of Joy' again listing joyous feelings for A to Z. Included in 'Joy' was the following:
Balance
Imagination
Friendship
Meditation.
'Z', in both Toxic and Joy is....wait for it....Zen.
'Toxic Zen' is described as;
Zen is a state of being. Of Silence. Peacefulness. Mindfulness. Balance. Your being and your life will be in Balance.Live right and everything will be in Balance. Sit in Stillness and Silence. Turn your eye inward.
'Joy Zen' is described as:
You may recognise Zen from yesterdays Alphabet of Toxic Emotions. That is because it is were the negative meets the positive. It's a neutral state of being. Of Silence. Peacefulness. Mindfulness. Balance. Your being and your life will be in Balance.Live right and everything will be in Balance. Sit in Stillness and Silence. Turn your eye inward.
Eh? What a load of bollocks.
Messirs Johnson and Kerr are either rehashing something that has been written about a thousand times in a lazy manner or the Mails features writer has cut and pasted indiscriminately!
Money for old rope!
Monday, 10 January 2011
Southern Rules
Rich Hall is a very clever, very talented and very funny man. He is almost my new man crush. When he first came to my attention I can't say that I was overly impressed. He has an ugly speaking voice and it was hard to get past the noise he makes with it when he appears as a guest stand up on various shows for just a few minutes. Hence the almost. Although I enjoy watching him when he appears on the panel of shows like Qi and HIGNFY it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago I watched a show he did in London and was blown away by his talent, his perception, his delivery and his song writing skills. His voice suits singing much better than it does speaking.
Tonight BBC4 repeated a programme he made called the 'Dirty South'. Rich is to the Deep South of America what I would like to be to the Deep South of London. A quietly passionate ambassador. Yet despite having a ranch back in the US of A Hall spends most of the year living in a flat in London. No doubt South London.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rich_Hall
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/7882231/Rich-Hall-on-the-Dirty-South.html
Hall's alter ego Otis Lee Creshaw (who is strangely sexy, yet even thinking that is sooo wrong) is a hoot. As is the song 'She Calls it Stalking, I Call it Selective Walking'. Wonderful. 'Just Don't Hurt Me' is wonderful too.
http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=3458969313649559091&postID=2784392627533188198
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0mknY1l2AU&feature=related
Lonsome Dave is one hell of a Banjo player. Lonsome I assume because, according to Billy Connolly, women do not find Banjo players sexy. They always go for the guitar player.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- Katie Clapton
- Rat symbolizes such character traits as wit, imagination and curiosity. Rats have keen observation skills and with those skills they’re able to deduce much about other people and other situations. Overall, Rats are full of energy, talkative and charming.