taking things too literally....not me!

Singer-songwriter Carly Simon has launched a competition giving fans the chance to make the first ever video for her much debated song, 'You're So Vain'. The record was released in the early 1970's before songs had to have the obligatory video to accompany it. Or as Simon says 'People were so busy asking me who the song was about that nobody thought to make a video of it'. Didn't people multi task in the 70s?

The song is about a confident man who has girls swooning over him wherever he goes and there has been debate for almost 40 years about his identity. Suggestions have included Mick Jagger, Warren Beatty and Carly's ex husband James Brown. But Simon has remained tight lipped about who this lady magnet really is.

Ms Simon is to judge the competition entries herself and has given some suggestions as to what the winning entry might include such as a yacht, a Learjet and a horse race, all of which are mentioned in the song. Quite how she expects the average
fan to have access to these things is a bit of a mystery. But maybe her fans would go to any lengths have a chance of winning the prize which, as well as having their winning video shown at New York's Tribeca Film Festival later this year, they also will receive a prize from Simon's "personal archives."


You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself go by
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You? Don't You?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You?

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won
Then you flew your lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't You? Don't you?

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

It made me think about songs that would benefit from having a video. I have always thought it is a tragedy that great songs from the 70s failed to have a video made because people in those days were far to busy asking for the meaning behind the lyrics. Here is a couple of songs that I would love see remastered, redigtalised, revived and recorded on DVD. Literally.

Laughing Gnome - David Bowie

I was walking down the High Street
When I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man (Hello)
In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)
Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (Oaah..)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)

Oh, I ought to report you to the Gnome office
(Gnome Office)
Yes
(Hahahahaha)

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
Said the laughing Gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne
Carried his bag and gave him a fag
(Haven't you got a light boy?)
"Here, where do you come from?"
(Gnome-man's land, hahihihi)
"Oh, really?"

In the morning when I woke up
He was sitting on the edge of my bed
With his brother whose name was Fred
He'd bought him along to sing me a song

Right, let's hear it
Here, what's that clicking noise?
(That's Fred, he's a "metrognome", haha)

(Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)
"Haven't you got an 'ome to go to?"
(No, we're gnomads)
"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school?
you look like a rolling gnome."
(No, not at the London School of Ecognomics)

Now they're staying up the chimney
And we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)
Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows
It's the-er (what?)
It's the Gnome service of course

Of course finding the gnomes may be bit tricky, and using a midget instead may be considered a bit un PC but it may be possible for the sake of 'art'. And the gnome has to be a happy gnome...it says so in the lyrics. And not only happy but talented! Not sure you could show anyone enjoying a fag on in a video these days.

Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones


Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the Blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
(woo woo, woo woo)

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
(woo woo, woo woo)

I shouted out,
"Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me
(who who, who who)

Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached Bombay
(woo woo, who who)

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint
(who who, who who)

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, have some taste
(woo woo)
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, mmm yeah
woo, woo
What's my name

Where would you begin making a video for this that was representative of the lyrics in a literal way?

I always wondered why Pans People, who, in the days before pop videos, danced to songs whose original artists were not available to perform them live and were usually choreographed in away that literally reflected the lyrics of the song they were dancing too. So if 'Top of the Pops' were playing, for instance, the great Cher song 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves', they would be dressed as sexy gypsies going around pick pocketing the pockets of strategically placed male models, or if the song that week had the word 'rain' in the lyrics they carried umbrellas. Talking of umbrellas, Rihanna, the most famous Barbadian of the moment, released a hugely successful song a couple of years ago called 'Umbrella'. The accompanying video featured a scantily clad Rihanna gyrating with an umbrella. That is almost as unimaginative as Pans People, who when 'Monster Mash' was in the charts these beautiful girls were in King Kong costumes. Apparently it had to do with lack of time to prepare and of course in the 70s people couldn't multi task.

I look forward to seeing the winning entry to the 'You're So Vain' competition. And maybe finding out one day who the song is about. If it wasn't for the yachts and Lear Jets I would be inclined to think it was non famous person she had once loved and that is why she has kept it secret for so long. Sometimes the truth is disappointing.